


Loveyoutoookaybye

by ChemicalPanic



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anorexia, Dissociation, Drugs, Eating Disorders, Heavy Angst, I'm getting worried about the direction this is taking, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Taako is not okay, good job krav I'm v proud, just anorexia being a bitch, krav's being a real good dude, like omg Taako I'm so sorry i love you sm, taakitz
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-17
Updated: 2018-10-20
Packaged: 2019-04-24 04:07:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 19
Words: 27,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14347665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChemicalPanic/pseuds/ChemicalPanic
Summary: *SET AT THE END OF CAMPAIGN*Taako has suffered a horrible loss in the Suffering Game, worse than Lucretia or Merle or any of them...He lost some of his beauty.Kravitz of course, still loves him just the way he is but when Taako is raped and told that he's gained a lot of weight, yikies and stuffAUTHOR'S NOTEI'm so sorry for not updating in a while, i don't want to make excuses but I've been in a really really bad place these past few months and i can barely get out of bed, much less write.  I'm so, so, Sorry





	1. Beginnings

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE REALLY READ THE TAGS! THIS ISN'T A SOFT FIC, THIS IS REALLY *REALLY* TRIGGERING AND I DON'T WANT ANYONE TO GET HURT!!!!!  
> Chemi~
> 
> Ps, sorry for all the kg/cm measurements, I know that in TAZ, since it's US based, they use pounds/inches, but I'm an Aussie pleeb lel  
> Pps, please feel free to leave constructive critisism! I'm always up for improving my writing <3

My Sending Stone buzzes in my pocket with the voice of Kravitz. "Hey Taako…?"

I smirk to myself, put down one of the many exam papers that I've yet to mark and press the stone.

"Hey sexy, is your ass coming home any time soon? Mage Hand can only really do so much you know." I can physically feel him bite his lip on the other side and smirk. "Like I seriously feel like you do this on purpose sometimes… Leave me all alone for weeks with just my three hands."

"Oh fuck, love…" He slips out of his work accent, voice only shadowed by lust. "I only have a few more jobs left and I swear, I'll be back and we can do whatever the fuck you want."

I promptly pull up the list in my head. "Take me out to FOG, call me hot, fuck me and actually sleep a night with me in our bed." he gives a soft laugh. "I'm a man with simple needs bubbalah. Simple needs that haven't been met in two weeks."

He's tripping over his own voice now, it's so adorable. "I'm back tonight, make the reservations and I swear, I'll fuck you right on the pretty tablecloth."

"Okay! Have fun Krav!" I switch the stone off with another button and count to three in a whisper. "One, two… three." With the verification of the stone actually being turned off, I finally let out a squeal. My boyfriend is coming home and is finally gonna feed and fuck me! Best day of the past two weeks to be honest.

 

I dressed up in my 'tasteful' black skirt, white silk shirt and red stiletto boots for him. I even did my makeup because what's the use of flirting with (threatening) the waiters for a good table if you don't look hot in the process? He meets me at the FOG, Fantasy Olive Garden down in Neverwinter and instantly pulls me into a kiss, a soft, gentle, PG kiss that is totally appropriate to do in public.

"You try to leave for so long again, I'll tentacle you to a fucking chair, you hear me?" I whisper into his ear and he softly bites mine.

"Hot." I lightly push him away and he holds his elbow out, waiting for me to link arms with him. To link arms with the sexy suited-up grim reaper dude who fucks me sometimes. "Let's go in, love." I nod and take his elbow, leading him to the receptionist.

"Hi, yes, table for two in the name of Taaco." The moon-elf woman traces her finger down the long line of names.

"Taaco… hmm… Oh, there you are."

I part my lips slightly and bat my eyelashes at her. "Get us a seat next to a window and far from the kitchen, won't you bubbalah?" She looks shell-shocked and Krav takes me by the waist.

"Softer, love." He kisses my neck and I just give a self-satisfied smirk as she guides us to a booth right at the window and far away from the kitchen, just like I asked.

"Th-the waiter will be with you in just a moment." She stutters out and walks off.

We order the Shrimp Alfredo and Eggplant Parmesan for dinner with Minestrone soup and of course the salad and breadsticks, like, we're not savages… Halfway through my pasta, two teens some up to our table, out of uniform and all nervous and stuff. "H-hi, I'm sorry, but are you Taako from… from TV?" The little dwarf says and as I look at them, their whole face lights up. "Dala! Dala, I told you it was him, oh my Pan!" They nudge their companion and she also beams.

"Mr Taaco, we've been such huge fans of you for so, so long, we saw Sizzle It Up With Taako in four of the towns you've been in, it'd be… It'd be such an honour if you could sign our aprons…" I throw a quick look at Kravitz who smiles me the go ahead and I smile at the little ones.

"Wellll… I will if you explain to me why you have your aprons with you." I stretch out a hand and summon a Fantasy Sharpie from the hand of a kitchen helper.

Dala pipes up with a, "Mr Taaco, we were at our cooking class, and Kilin decided that he was still hungry so we ducked in here for a takeaway! Lucky we did, eh Kilin?" She looks at my hand and digs around in her bag for the aprons and carefully places them in my hands. "The really dirty one is Kilin's." Kilin flushes a dark red and starts to softly kick at the floor, hands behind his back and gaze fixed on the ground.

I smile at them both and then make an exaggerated sigh. "Well, I guess I've got competition now, don't I Krav? You've seen me cook and yikes, there's legit food on the ceiling." I uncap the Fantasy Sharpie and write 'Dear Kilin, it's all g to be messy as long as the food is great, and I'm sure yours is. Much love, Taako.' on the really messy one and on the pristinely pressed one, I write 'Wow Dala, you're an awesome older sister (correct me if I'm wrong btw) and remember that this responsibility will get you far in life. Sayounara, Taako.' They both beam and I hug them both after which they quickly run away and I send the Fantasy Sharpie flying back to the kitchen hand.

"Fame, man, what are you gonna do…" Kravitz just laughs into his wine glass and pulls me into a kiss by the collar of my shirt over the table.

"You're fucking perfect."

"I know." I steal a sip from his wine glass. "What do you say we just get out of here after I take a leak, eh?" He kisses me again.

"Oh, I'd love that babe. I'll deal with the bill then." I take my tote bag with me, with a picture of three adorable kittens frolicking in a grassy plain. I do my business and just as I'm washing my adorable little hands, another elf comes in. I've graduated to fixing up my eyeliner by the time he pisses and starts washing his hands right next to me. I smile at him through the mirror and he smirks back.

"You really don't remember me, do you?" I keep smiling but cap my eyeliner.

"I'm sorry, I've seen a lot of people in my life, do you wanna jog my memory?" He takes a step towards me, hand now resting on my sink. "Whoa, dude back up…"

"Coldport? The Red Mountain… No, nothing?" I shake my head and he takes another step, his face literally a few centimetres from mine.

"You're too close. Please back off." He shoves me into a wall.

"You're such a whore that you don't even remember who you fucked for a week and then ran away from?"

"I was in Coldport a fucking year and a half ago!" I scoff and he pushes me harder into the wall, hands on my shoulders. "Do you really expect me to remember something so long ago?" He walks outside with a 'wet floor' or 'one out of three snakes is an asshole' sign, places it I assume and pulls me into a hard, rough kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Taako, baby I'm so sorry, I'm such a shitty parent


	2. I Can

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol sorry for taking so long to update :((((  
> I've been having a couple of breakdowns a day and i spend like two or three hours a day walking or exercising, so here is an updatee  
> There will be more updates, I swear :)

He left me on the floor. He tore my shirt and skirt and broke one of the heels of my boots. He bruised me and left me with cuts that won't heal. My blood is on the tiles tight now, small splatters visible only on the white bits of the maroon checkerboard design. I cast Mending on all of my clothes that need it and pray a silent prayer of thanks to Istus from letting me focus on my bag and the kittens enjoying themselves to distract from the stranger inside me. I need to put the sign away so people could actually use the bathroom. Okay, okay I can do this. I shakily get up. He said he didn't recognise me at first because I gained so much weight. Is that why he didn't ask if it was okay? Did I… The Suffering Game didn't fucking help of course, but am I even uglier now? I cast Disguise Self. The bruises are gone. The cuts are gone. My mascara isn't running down my cheeks now that my mask is on. I need to go to Krav. Krav is probably getting worried. I pick the tote bag back up, the kittens still frozen in their gleeful prancing through flowers and butterflies. I can do this. I practice my smile in the mirror a few times, making sure that any hints of sadness aren't visible and walk out the bathroom on shaky legs.  
"Krav, bubbalah, hi, I'm so sorry I took so long; I had to fix up my makeup so you wouldn't have a heart attack while fucking me, you know, the usual." I sit down opposite him, all the food gone and his face looking incredibly worried.  
"I um…" He clears his throat. "I checked the bathroom maybe two or three minutes ago, just to see if you were alright, but there was a wet floor sign in front of the door…"  
"Yeah, the floor wasn't actually wet, someone must've put it there by accident, lol." He reaches out a hand to touch my shoulder and I feel every muscle in my body tense. No, no it's okay this is Krav, this is my boyfriend. _I cheated on him. I cheated on the person I love the most._ I can practically hear him screaming 'whore' at me.  
"Hey, are you alright?" He takes his hand away and looks at me with a thoughtful gaze.  
"What, yeah, y-yeah of course, why are you even asking, I'm totally fine haha, let's just go home." He looks at me again with that gaze of his that tells me that he knows everything, and I crack my knuckles, my leg starting to shake up and down. "Come- come on, let's just go home, please let's just go home." Fuck I'm gonna cry. My mask should hold as long as he doesn't touch me, just please don't touch me.  
"Yeah, of course love." He stands up and takes my arm and again, my whole body just freezes so if he held on too tight, I'd shatter into small slivers. Fuck. Fuck, he notices and drops my arm like it burned him. "We're teleporting home right now and you will tell me what happened so I can just… help you." I nod, and cast the spell, ending up in a heap on the fluffy carpet in our living room. Krav follows only a second afterwards and I instantly pull him into a kiss. A hard, rough, probably painful kiss and he cups my cheek with his hand. Okay good, fuck him and he won't ask questions. I lie down onto my back on the carpet and pull him down with me, his hands now on either side of my chest to hold himself up. Okay, distractions are good.  
I manage to distract him until he passes out on top of me, the cock that just slid out of me heavy and wet against my thigh, and I slip out from his lazy attempt to keep me in place. I all but fucking sprint into the bathroom and apply all the makeup I can to cover my cuts and bruises because my mask fizzles out after an hour and this shit is heavy, long-lasting coverage, so it's like fucking concrete on my thighs. I step onto the scales when I'm done plaster-casting myself into my body and yeah. He was right. I've gained 25 kilos from Coldport. If I lose the weight, he won't fuck me again, or at least ask a polite 'May I?'. 5 kilos a week should be good. It's nothing too extreme, I've had to lose weight faster for Sizzle It Up With Taako. I'll just do what I did then, right? That'd be okay and healthy and that fucking dick won't just randomly fuck me. I can do this.

When Kravitz wakes up, it's in our bed. I levitated him onto it and buried myself into his arms. "Hey love. Good morning." He rumbles into my hair. "You look beautiful today."  
"Hm…" I slide out of his arms and check the alarm. It's 7:26am. "Come on, I've a school to manage." I can't have breakfast. My trainer always told me that with my figure I should never eat breakfast. I should give him a call. Maybe he'll be able to help this time as well.  
"What's gonna be for breakfast babe?" He takes my cheeks and plants a soft kiss onto my lips. My breath hitches and I practically jump out of bed and turn away from him, hiding my face. He can't see me like this. I've goosebumps down my arms, I've my heart pounding out of my chest. It's fine. I can feel _his_ hands back on my waist so I dig through my vast array of clothes all neatly hung up. Red skirt, white blouse, white knee-highs, black heels. He's saying something but I tap my way to the bathroom to fix my make-up up just a tiny bit, grab my bag and literally run out of the apartment.  
Angus is in my office by the time I get to school. "H-hey sir! I was just wondering if, for my assignment on Magic and It's Practical Applications, if I could use the senior labs for a few hours after school this week!"  
I smile at him, the little twerp is such a nerd. "Hell yeah, go for it Boy Detective. Do you need an adult to supervise you?" His face practically lights up.  
"Y-yes sir! That… That would be great!" I ruffle his hair.  
"Come to my office after school and I'll come up to the labs with you, okay?" He beams and nods and runs out of the room. I sit down at my table and pull out more exams to mark.


	3. 2pm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I guess I'm late again, oops  
> Here have some triggering content <3

**It's been 7 days. Angus's experiments on Disguise Self are going great and he handed his assignment in with an A, but despite that, he still bugs me to help him out. I called Zelmar and he's alright with helping me out with losing the weight. I weigh myself everyday and he recommended for me to start counting my calories and to limit myself to 1000 the first week, and then go down to 750, then 500 and then stay at 500 with at least one full day's fast each week. I've been under by at least 100 cal each day of this first week and I now have to walk for at least two hours a day or 10,000 steps. I'm now at 86.6kg. This coming week, I have to do at least twenty minutes running or jogging a day.**  
  
I can now sleep in Krav's arms again without wanting to tear my own skin off and cast fucking Immolation onto myself so I don't feel the crawl of smooth stranger's hands all over myself. "Taako, love did you have dinner?" Fuck I woke him up. My fat fucking body must've squished him somewhere and now he's awake. I take a deep breath and kiss him.  
  
"Oh, you know how much I love your sleepy voice… Fuck Krav…" I rest my knees on either side of his hips as I climb onto him. He smirks and takes my cheek into the palm of his hand. I can physically feel it overflow out of even his fingers, but he'll suspect something if I don't let him hold me like this. I lean down to kiss him and it's fucking heavenly. He moves his free hand to my waist and the one that barely held back the flood of my cheek to the back of my neck, into the hair just underneath my plait.  
  
We kiss for a minute or two and he softly pushes me away from him, just enough for him to be able to whisper, "Did you have dinner?" and after a quick nod, he pulls me back in.  
  
  
  
I love how cuddly Krav gets after fucking me. I can just bury my face into his soft hair when his skin is on, and just inhale his gentle scent, like he's melding with me in a way that sex can't do. And when he whispers that he loves me in that state of sleepy satisfaction, I can feel my heart swell up and I can barely hold back a few tears. "You're perfect. Taako, you're just fucking perfect." He whispers to me and I just pull him in closer to myself.  
  
"Hmm." I lay my head down onto his chest, a single fat hand splayed out just next to my cheek marking him as mine above the blanket and our legs wrapped around each other below it.  
  
  
  
"Sir, sir!" Angus' voice rings through the hallway in front of my office but I don't see him anywhere, there's just Ren sitting in one of the comfy chairs at my door.  
  
"Sup Ren, you seen Angus?" She gives a huge shit-eating grin that I instantly recognise. "Sup Angus, you seen Angus?"  
  
His grin instantly slips and is replaced by a look of worry. "Y-yes sir, sir… It's me, Angus!"  
  
"I know, I know, come in." I let us both into my office and he plonks down and switches back into normal Angus.  
  
"I've been sitting out here for…" He checks his watch, "For 7 hours and 38 minutes waiting for you sir, disguised as Ren! Usually this'd only last an hour or so! Isn't this awesome sir? I've been working on this for a week now and I've finally done it! I think that it'd last eight at least!"  
  
"Good job Boy Detective! Now please, bog off. I've principal stuff to do." He smiles and scuttles away like a weird mix of a cockroach and a mouse.  
  
  
  
Fuck, I'm literally already dizzy. I can eat at 2. It'll be fine until then and Zelmar will be happy with me. I'll cook something nice for Krav when I get back. Something that needs a lot of chopping and busywork in general so I won't have time to think. Fried rice. He likes fried rice and I can chop shit while I wait and yes, yeah that's probably for the best. Fuck I'm gonna pass out. I'm so weak. Like this has only been me for a week and already I'm fucked. I can call him. It's okay I can call him.  
  
"H-hi, Zelmar, it's Taako." I'm tearing up now, fuck.  
  
"Hey Taako! What's happening?" He's so sweet, oh Istus, he's so fucking sweet.  
  
"Yeah, um yeah I kinda am having a tiny little small breakdown. Like I'm dizzy af and I know I shouldn't eat but I really crazy wanna, you know?" Lol I'm crying now? Okay then.  
  
"Hey, hey, Taako, honey, it's alright, just take a few breaths with me." We breathe together and my hands stop shaking, mostly. "It's 12:49 where you are, right?"  
  
"Yeah, yeah, the kids are having lunch." I send a quick glance over to the playground like all good principals do.  
  
"What do you want to eat Taako? If you could have anything in the world right now, what would it be?"  
  
"I want… I don't know what I want, I'm just hungry…"  
  
"If you can't even think of a thing you want to eat, then what's the point of eating? If nothing you really want comes to mind, then you're obviously not gonna be happy when you eat it, and you're gonna be double the not happy after you eat it. Just hold out until at least 2, alright? And if you really wanna make me proud, then just skip the snack. Like yeah sure, no one is gonna see you eat it, but everyone will see you wear it. I thought that you didn't wanna tell randoms to fuck you without even opening your mouth. And speaking of fuck, Taako, Kravitz will be so happy when he sees you so thin! Just think about how much easier it'd be for him to pick you up and swing you around and make love to you in that oversized sweater you have that will actually look like an XXL on you and not a busting-at-the-seams-XXS. Make me proud Taako, alright? I want you to look like the dainty beauty queen you are inside."  
  
"I will." I nod to myself and take a few more deep breaths. "Thank you so much Zelmar."  
  
"Anytime Taako, absolutely anytime."  
  
"Bye~" I get a sprauncy 'farewell' from him and hang up. I can do this.  
  
  
  
"Hey babyboy!" Krav appears just in front of our front door and takes his shoes off. He's appeared with a limb or two in the door a few times and I laughed and he laughed and it was great. And then he appeared with his whole body in the door and for some reason, that hurt like fucking hell (he should know, he works there). He's a lot more careful now.  
  
"Hey Daddy!" Why on earth our kitchen must directly face the front door, I'll  never know. Krav comes up from behind me just as I stir the fried rice sauce. He takes me by the waist and places a soft, gentle kiss where my neck meets my shoulder. I give him a soft giggle and he nips at that same exact place.  
  
"Missed you." He says simply and I put down my stirring fork and turn around to face him. I give him a kiss that's neither soft nor gentle all the while holding his face where he's growing stubble some-fucking-how. Like that's weird right? He's dead and growing out stubble. "You ran out fast today, I didn't say bye." He pouts slightly and holy shit, he looks absolutely exquisite. "Like, you could've died today. And I didn't get to say bye. Or a quick 'love you'."  
  
"Well you can say it now, can't ya?"  
  
"I love you." He kisses me softly again, on the lips this time. It's like he has some weird gentleness kink. He releases me to stir in the sauce into the rice, all the while he pours us each a glass of red wine and takes a sip. "Today, right, Darvan, you know, from PR?" I giggle and nod. "Yeah, he tried to hit on me. I played along for a bit and then just casually mentioned you, like hey, you know, my boyfriend, Taako also really likes skirts and kink roleplay and holy shit his face… Taako you should've been there." I send a quick grin at him.  
  
"I'd never disrupt you fucking with a dude who deserves it, and tbh, Darvan deserves it." I pile on the rice onto his plate and send a quick message to Zelmar regarding the calories in red wine. He responds instantly with '86kcal/100g, it's like a banana' I swirl the wine in the glass. I've 300kcal left out of my daily allowance of 1000, and the glass says that it has 350ml, but it's only really 3/4 full, so if the full glass was 301kcal, then a quarter of that is… is 75 and that times 3 is… 225? I go over the numbers a few more times after placing the rice down onto Krav's usual seat at the table. Yeah 225. Okay, but what if I underestimated how much was in the glass? I'll round it up to 250, no, 260, but no I like pretty numbers, okay we'll go with 275kcal.  
  
"T-taako? Hey, Taako, love, are you alright?" I snap back out of my thoughts to notice Krav's holding my cheek while I trace the lip of the glass. "Hey, hey, do you want to lie down? You look really pale love." I meet his gaze, nothing but concern and god how I just wanna make him happy so I smile and nod and even nuzzle into his adorable nose and make his glasses slide down a little bit.  
  
"Sorry," I use my soft voice that I only ever dust off when we're being tender with each other, so like, not fucking but gently making love or even just sitting curled up on the couch together, "I just had a little bit of a headache, you know, one of the ones that just appears, disorients you and then just goes away?"  
  
"Yeah. I know what you're on about." He softens his voice too and I see all the tension and fear and sadness just fall away from his face.  
  
"Don't be so worried about me, for fuck's sake Krav, just eat your dinner." With my voice the same gentle tone it was earlier, I smirk and plant a kiss right onto the tip of his nose and take a sip from my glass. Small sips Taako, small, you know this could take a while. We just hang out as he eats the rice and I take small sips of my wine. _You have to leave some, so just be ready for that._ He tells me about the ten odd souls he had to chase after because they escaped today and how he saw Maggie while he was chasing one of them. Everything is so calm and peaceful and right that I'm not even surprised when after we finish washing up the day's dishes, he gingerly takes my cheeks and pulls me into a soft kiss. I walk us, my back facing the direction of travel, to the closest wall so we could kiss more comfortably and when the fun switches over to not just kissing anymore, I feel like I could literally melt in his arms. He picks me up (no small feat) and carries me bridal style to the bed while I look at him like he fucking hung the moon or something because right now, tell me he did, and I'd believe you. He's so sweet, so loving and so gentle that I honestly don't fucking deserve him. I fucked someone else and this is how I'll pay for it. 


	4. Bonus :)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oops smut ;)   
> Like I'm bad, but oops :)

He's beautiful. I adore him to the depths of my fucking soul. He kisses me, a hand caressing my waist as I arch into him and the other at my head, a support for him to stay above me as he slowly maps out every inch of my mouth. His tongue slides along mine like its whole purpose was to do this and holy shit… I push lightly at him and he sits up, allows me to sit on his lap, to hold his cheeks, to rest my forehead against his while he traces my waist with the tips of his fingers, inching my sweater up. “I love you Taako.” He whispers to me and I nod and kiss him. 

“I adore you.” He, again, lays me down onto my back on the bed and holds my hand and kisses me with those amazing, slow, deep and all fucking consuming kisses until my lips are raw and my whole body is  aching with a need for him. He traces down my neck with his lips and again up my waist with his fingertips and just barely grazes my cock with his, equally hard. I reach for his trousers, ready to take them off and somehow get his cock in my mouth when he takes my hand and kisses the tips of my fingers.  He holds my cheek again and kisses me, tears welling up in my eyes. I… He's  everything  to me. Without him… I lean into the kiss and undo some of the buttons of his shirt, craving the press of his warm skin against mine, and he lets me slide the smooth, silky fabric off him and he pulls away only to pull my sweater off. He plants soft kisses down my lips and chin and neck and chest but I can’t manage to remove him from my lips emotionally so I pull him right back up and slip a hand into his trousers, just feeling how fucking hard he is (that is, very) and he realises what I want before I, myself realise it. He slides his trousers and pants off, all while still kissing me like that's what he was born to do, and then slips my lacy shit off, leaving the cream skirt on. I hand him the lube from inside our pillowcases and he slicks his fingers up and pushes one into me, slowly working me open. I don't even realise that I started crying until he kisses up my cheeks and presses his lips against my forehead until I'm worked loose enough for him. He tries to sit up but I cling to him like a baby octopus to his incredible, amazing, perfectly sexy boyfriend and he smirks against my lips and pushes my knees up to my chest and pushes into me with a moan that should be fucking illegal and I kiss him softly while we both acclimate to him inside me for the thousandth time. He starts moving, and  hachi fucking machi,  I fill the room, the whole house with screams and moans and whimpers and calls of my sweet, supportive, unbelievably-rough-when-I-want-him-to-be boyfriend’s name as he whispers praise and my name and ‘I love you’s into my ear. “I-I...I can't hold on -oh fuck!- Krav…” I moan into his ear and he kisses my jaw.

“Cum for me love.” He whispers and just like that my cum is on his chest. He fucks into me a few more times and then pulls me into such a passionate, tongue-twisting, moan-inducing kiss that I pass right the fuck out. Yeah, Taako from TV, the male fellow, the myth, the legend passes out in his boyfriend’s arms with his boyfriend’s talented af tongue probing his mouth.


	5. Flush

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *Warning, this chapter involves 'flush purging'! Please, don't do this as it is really really REALLY bad for you and reduces your potassium levels very drastically. If you relate to any of Taako's thoughts about food or body image, please seek help, it's not a healthy thing and trust me, you don't want to fall down this hole.   
> Much love,   
> Chemi~

When I finally come to, Kravitz took his skin off and has his bedside light and glasses on reading some book and there's a glass of water on the table on my side of the bed. “Hey love, are you alright?” He looks at me over his glasses.  “I um… I didn't know if you needed some panadol so um… I just got you some water.” I smirk at him and gulp it down, slamming down and thereby shattering the glass on the nice table Maggie made us. 

“Fuck yeah that was good! How long was I out? Any records?” He giggles and slides his bookmark in, removing the fancy work of literature and freeing up his chest for me to curl up on.

“Five minutes and seven seconds. Our record is like four or five times that. To be fair though, that time was really really intense.  This is literally nothing.” He pauses for a second, as if contemplating something, and then in a very soft, tender voice says, “I love you.”

“I know.” I mumble into his sternum with the same tone and he turns the lights off. 

“You're perfect Taako. I don't know what I did to deserve someone like you.” I don't say anything, don't even breathe lest he takes that as me agreeing with him. He sighs after a moment’s silence and brings the blanket over us both and holds me tight to his ribcage. “I'm going to keep saying it until you believe me again.” I purse my lips tightly together and he kisses the top of my head. 

 

When I'm back at school, Angus isn't sitting outside my office and tbh, I'm kinda sad. The little sucker’s a good kid. As soon as I'm in my office though, someone’s sitting in the guest chair. 

“Sup little bro.” Lup grins at me and crosses her legs. “Coming to dinner tomorrow night?” My blood turns into liquid ice. Dinner. Fuck.

“What’s the occasion?” I flash her a fake grin and make my way to my comfy chair. 

She looks at me with affected shock, like eyes bulging, mouth wide open etc. “It's my birthday tomorrow! Taako, for fuck’s sake you better get me a really fucking awesome present. Oh and Kravitz remembered. Kravitz of all people!” She gets up and glares at me. “Tomorrow. I haven't decided the restaurant yet so I booked in for all of them. Preferences?”

I feel my face drop, and without my consent, my voice says, in an uncharacteristically sober tone, “Please not Fantasy Olive Garden.” She's as taken aback as I am but lets me get away with it and waves me a goodbye.

 

We end up going to a fancy place called Kaitae’s, run by some narcissistic prick named Kaitae who Lup seems to be very good friends with. He personally comes out of the kitchen for her.

“Oh, Lup, it's been forever! Come here!” They do the basic kind of bro hug and then kiss each other's cheeks. “I've a beautiful table for you and your kith, right this way, come on.” Krav places a hand on my hip and plants a kiss on the top of my head and I instantly relax. I'm safe with my hot-as-fuck grim reaper boyfriend who put his skin on for my sister. He walks me to the table like that while Lup, Barry and Kaitae giggle about stuff in front of us. 

“Why did you wear trousers today? You know how much I love you in them.” Krav rumbles into my ear, grip on my hip growing tighter. “God and those heels, and a choker? Love, do you want Lup’s birthday to be ruined?”

“Krav…” I look up at him with doey eyes and whisper the next bit. “I want you to tear me apart.” Before he can respond, Lup calls me over and I sit right next to her and Barry while Krav, looking delightfully flushed, is placed opposite me on the circular table. 

“I've ordered everything beforehand so the food should be coming in a hot second.”

"Holy shit Lup, did you order me pasta?" She looks over at me and grins and nods, her dangly earrings swaying like crazy. "I fucking love you so much!" I hug her tight as Krav looks on with a face that fucking screams 'concern'. "Wait, did I tell you guys about how Ren's been nominated for 'Best Magic Teacher'? Oh my Istus, she was so fucking happy when she got her letter! It reminded me of her face when she first met me, so this shit must be a huge deal for her, right?" A waiter brings us a bottle of red and four pretty fucking ornate wineglasses. I hold the conversation up more until our food comes and yeah, Lup ordered me a huge plate of pasta with tomato paste/sauce and tonnes upon tonnes of cheee, the pasta stacked up to as far up as my eyes could reach and I already can feel my thighs swelling up and my face blowing up like a balloon. But I persist, small talk, big talk, lively talk and small periods of comfortable silence and I make it through the ordeal of this platter of pain and suffering and fucking pasta.  
"Hey Lup, bubbalah, is it aight if I just quickly duck down to the bathroom?" She giggles and kisses me cheek.   
"Of course Taako, we're not at school or some shit, you don't need to ask!" As I make my way to the safe haven of the porcelain bowl, I pass by Krav's chair and kiss the top of his head, unable to resist his practically magnetic pull.  
It's a beautiful bathroom, maroon tiles on the floor and clean, geometric patterns of black and white on the walls. The cubicles are like mini bathrooms in themselves, a small room with a sink, a mirror and a toilet, the door fully functional as a normal household door and with a nice lock. Quit stalling. I get down onto my knees in front of the toilet, shrinking my nails on my right index and middle fingers down to practically nothing. I'm cold. I'm cold and my eyes take a second or two to properly focus on anything. You can do this. I reach down into my throat, looking for the flat little plate right at the back of my mouth, the one that Zelmar told me to look for. It hurts. I start rubbing circles into it and instantly feel something coming up so I just rip my fingers out and let it come through. It's some spit. You can do this. I go again, the same fingers and the same motion again and again like twenty fucking times until something finally comes up, a glob of dough that tastes kinda like cheese and processed tomatoes and I sob into the bowl. Get more out, the longer you take the fatter you get. I put my fingers in again, this time feeling some sort of slimy shit cover the tips and I get more out, and another one. I take a small break and start again, with more fervour this time, the pain nothing compared to the rush and lightheadedness of this moment. Another glob comes out. And another one. This one splashes some water up into my face but I can't stop and keep going until I'm just dry heaving, but I can still feel the food inside. I summon myself some water and chug it as fast as I can and start rubbing the plate again and this time it's water that's lightly tinted red with tiny chunks of pasta. I go until I'm dry heaving again, but take more gulps of the water and vomit it up until it runs clear… I'm clean. I'm finally fucking clean. I flush the toilet and finally get up, on shaky, weak knees and wash my face. Zelmar told me to not brush my teeth until like half an hour to an hour after vomiting because the acid weakens the teeth or some shit so I just rinse it out with the tap water. I try to fix my makeup but I can barely look at myself without wanting to smash the fucking mirror. My knees give out and I collapse to the floor, a sobbing, heaving, hiccuping mess and I don't want to do this anymore, I just can't stay like this anymore. I can't be this fat forever oh my god I'm fucking disgusting.  
"Taako? Taako love, are you alright there?" Fuck! Fuck fuck fuck fuck. I cast Silence and set up a Minor Illusion to talk to Krav.  
"Yeah bubbalah, I'll be out in like a minute or two, my make-up's all fucked up." The voice says and I just keep sobbing, so loud (to me) that I barely hear him say "Alright love, see you soon". I get back up. I can't be this weak, what the actual fuck. I fix my makeup and flush the toilet, the sad remains of Lup's kindness to me going into the sewers to rot.  
"Oh shit guys, sorry I took so long to get out, you know, beauty queen and all…" Lup and Barry laugh but Krav looks at me like he's got me all figured out and it's fucking breaking his heart. I wink at him and blow him a kiss which he 'catches' and presses to his lips.  
Then desserts come and I have to physically restrain myself from scoffing all of them down so I just take the small bowl of fruit salad and keep entertaining everyone on our table but Krav.   


 


	6. Hurt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey again, so I just wanted to experiment a little with Kravitz's POV, this might happen like once or twice more, depending on how appropriate it is with the story/ how much I like writing from Kravitz's POV lel :)  
> Love you guys!
> 
> Chemi~

We teleport back home, Taako was already shaking like a leaf outside the restaurant and as soon as we appear in the doorway, he bursts out in tears. He presses himself up against the wall, face pale like death and hands, arms, body shaking like he's about to pass out. Stay strong Kravitz, he needs you. His breathing is so fast, so, so horribly fast so I push him down so he's sitting flat on the floor and kneel right in front of him, taking one of his beautiful, warm hands in mine and cup his cheek with the other. Fuck I fucked up. He looks at me with pure terror in his eyes and freezes for a second and throws his arms around me. I hold him tight and he sobs into my neck. I feel chills run up my spine and clench my teeth to keep calm and cool and here for the person I love. "It's alright Taako, Taako, love I'm here for you it's all going to be alright." He lets go of me and pushes himself up more against the wall, and stands up, legs shaky, knees about to give in, hands now on my cheeks. He leans in for a kiss, the same way he starts the kisses in which he wants to be used and hurt and broken. I take him by his waist and pick him up, the second time this week, and carry him to our bed. I lay him down gently, his chest rising and falling rapidly, doey eyes full of pain on me, tears streaming down his cheeks and reinforcements welling up in his eyes.  
"P-please…" He whisper-sobs out. "Krav… P-please just…" He looks at me like I'm his saviour, like I'm the only one that can cure him but I know that the only way that I can help him… The only way is by hurting him, by making him nothing more than a useless pile of garbage left on the side of the road. I lie down next to him, taking my coat off and draping it on him like a makeshift blanket. I take him into my arms again and press my lips against his head.  
"You're safe with me Taako. Nothing can hurt you when you're with me." I hold him close to me and after a little while, when his sobbing ebbs down, I sing him the song my mother used to sing for me when I was upset or sad or crying.  
"Where the ravens sleep  
In the night so deep  
That's where you will be  
In the cherry tree

You'll be safe and sound  
With no danger around  
And you'll be with me  
In the cherry tree

I will keep you warm  
Away from any harm  
And we will run free  
In our cherry tree"

He curls into me, not sobbing anymore but his whole body still shakes against me as I try to hold him even closer but I can't make any kind of movement without him flinching and his sobs starting up again or a hurt whimper from him. "Taako, please talk to me. Please. I'm so scared and I need to know how to help you." I whisper to the top of his head and he pulls away as if he was burned. He blinks a few times and then jumps up and off the bed and flashes me a shaky grin.  
"Don't be scared my dude, the… the Taako-meister is all g." He wipes at his cheeks and smiles again. "You don't need to help me 'cause nothing's wrong." His eyes are so cold. "And I know how much you want to get me into bed but boy howdy, I'm filthy. I'll just get into the shower for a sec, is that aight?" He doesn't wait for an answer and just strides over into the bathroom, locks the door and starts his shower. I listen closely through the water and I hear something that sounds suspiciously like him sobbing but I don't chase it when he gets back out. I just take him under the doona with me and hold him close while he goes into his trance, the first time in a year that he didn’t just kinda fall asleep with me. For the next however long this one lasts, I hold him, warmth and life radiating from him. When he wakes back up, he gets dressed and leaves without a word.


	7. Hands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a really really triggering chapter, especially for people who suffer with issues regarding self-harm.   
> Please be safe loves <3  
> Chemi~

It hurts. Everything still hurts and I still feel  _ his _ hands and mouth all over me and I can’t put Kravitz through this pain. How fucking  _ dare  _ I worry him like I did last night? I look at my hands. I can't cry around him anymore. I can't put him through my pain. In my chair, my plush principal’s chair, my whole body shakes. I can't do this. I take my penknife and pencils, and start sharpening, dragging the knife through the wood, jerking through it, the graphite and coloured shit shattering onto my desk.  _ Fuck. Fuck. Fuck _ . My hands are shaking so fucking hard that I can barely hold the knife steady.  **His hands are all over me.** **_Tongue in my ear._ ** I slice harder, and harder, the pencil is the man. I…  **He's turned me onto my knees. The tiles and grout cutting me open.** _ Fuck! _ My knife slipped. Fuck. My finger. My finger’s bleeding onto the paperwork and it hurts and I just want to die or sleep. I take my sweater off, the pretty sweater that I don't want to stain with my filthy, contaminated blood and leave only a thin t-shirt on, making sure to get the sweater as far away as possible. I take the knife again. It's still new. It's still razor sharp and I get an idea that I never thought I could get. The blood keeps dripping onto the table and I'm the kind of dizzy that you crave. I'm the kind of getting-food-out-of-your-body-by-vomiting dizzy and now that I'm here, I might as well execute the idea. I just gently slide the knife across my inner wrist and a few beads of blood seep out of the elegant red line. I slide it again, a soft smile spreading through my body. Like twenty or more slices later, my wrist has turned into a pretty shade of crimson. I wipe the pretty sheen off, half congealed blood sticking onto the tissue. I press a bit harder and slowly, curiosity practically overwhelming me, slowly drag it across. It takes a lot longer for this one to start bleeding so I just keep slicing, alternating between the slow deep ones and the quick shallow ones and I can't feel his breath against my cheek anymore. I don't even take a break until I realise that I'm bleeding kinda really fucking bad. I stop and try to wipe the blood away, off my arm but then his hands come back and it’s like I swallowed a fireball so I slash hard, and it all goes away. I look down, breath coming back from the brink of hyperventilating.  _ Fuck!  _ It's too too too too too deep oh my god. It’s too deep. Fuck fuck fuck I can’t do this. The bad kind of dizzy is...  _  It hurts. Taako it hurts…  _ The world blurs in and out of focus and I let out a sob and rest my head on the desk onto my safe arm and suddenly Kravitz comes in and I smile at him and mumble something like an apology. He slides my eyelids shut.

 

_ Ren stands politely at the principal’s door, waiting to be let in after a firm but courteous knock. She stands outside for maybe thirty seconds before deciding to just come in anyway; Taako mightn’t be in today or he went to the bathroom or something. She thinks about what she needs of Taako. These papers are pretty important and he needs to see them, but also confidential. If she decided to slip them under the door, a student or cleaner might see them and pick them up. And anyway, Taako’s in heels on a normal day so he'd probably poke holes in the paper coming in and that'd be pretty bad. He won't mind me just slipping them onto his desk with a sticky note explaining everything, Ren thinks and turns the handle into Taako’s office. Any thoughts of Taako’s heels and sticky notes shoot out of her mind as she lays her eyes upon the table, congealed globs of blood dripping down onto the carpet, blood in a smooth sheen on the table, soaking important papers that Taako will probably make her source again. She purses her lips tightly.  _ When I find him… He's gonna get it…  _ She thinks and walks on over to the disgusting table and as soon as she's close enough to see him slumped over the desk, she lets out a blood-curdling scream. She drops the papers and runs up to him.  _ Okay, okay, he's alive,  _ she thinks, hands shaking so hard that she can barely pick Taako up and lay him on the floor. She furrows her brows, desperately sorting through information that could be useful. His arm, or wrist, is still bleeding pretty heavily so she creates herself some gauze and presses against the cuts hard like she was taught to stop heavy bleeding. Taako gives a soft whine as she presses down and mumbles “Krav…?”. It's all Ren can do to not slap him silly but she keeps pressing until the blood stops. When it finally does, she disinfects it dresses it with a fresh, clean bandage which she summoned along with more gauze and the disinfectant.  _ He's so pale…  _ She thinks and just as she's about to call the school nurse, Taako opens his eyes.  _

 

I come back to the realm of the living with Ren staring straight at me, face fixed in a mask that looks pissed af. “R-Ren…?” I choke out as I sit up, throat really tight for some reason. 

“Are you stable? How many fingers am I holding up?” She holds her palm out, all five fingers stretched up. 

“Five…?” She solemnly nods and slaps me hard across the cheek with that same hand. I purse my lips and look at my heels. “I deserve that.” I whisper and she's crying now. 

“Fuck you Taako! You're not allowed to fucking kill yourself, not when… not when you have Krav and me and your students and Maggie and Lucretia and even fucking Merle to be  _ broken _ when you die! Fuck! You!  _ Fuck you Taako!”  _ She breaks down into sobs and I guide her head to my lap. She lies down and sobs into me as I stroke her hair, whispering reassurances and empty promises that I'm not going to kill myself. After a few minutes, she sits back up and glares at me. “Does Kravitz know?”

I feel my eyes involuntarily widen but keep my voice level. “No. And  _ don't _ .” She furrows her brows at me. 

“He’ll find out eventually.”

“And that's when I'll tell him.” She glares at me for a second and then throws my hand away. 

“Fuck you Taako.” She takes a pile of paper and chucks it at me. “Paperwork. Read and sign by Monday morning.”

She storms out of my office and slams the door shut.


	8. Why

I'm at 80.3kg now, 2 weeks on. Kravvie hasn’t noticed my cuts yet or has but decided to keep it to himself. Thank fuck because I wouldn't be able to deal with upset, over-protective Kravitz. I'm regularly cutting now. Punishment and control; each bite I take I note down and make one of those long slow cuts across my thighs or shins, both covered day and night. Zelmar’s proud of me. 6.3kg in two and a bit weeks is really really good he said. He's happy I'm working hard he said. He told me to aim for 50kg. I've 30.3kg left to drop off.

When I come home, Krav is already in bed reading a new piece of high literature that I'd never be able to comprehend. I smile at him and just as he says ‘hey’ I cast Disguise Self, the OG because Angus’ one is too high a spell slot and too hard right now. My cuts should've disappeared and I see they have while I strip and pull on my pyjamas, Kravvie looking on with unabashed enjoyment and I send a wink through the mirror. “Soz I'm so late, parent teacher night sucks ass.”  
“All good, I made dinner.” As I get into bed with him, he's already so warm… Fucking magic users and our utility spells… I plant a kiss on his chest.  
“Oh shit, I ate with Ren and co. Pizza and Fantasy Chinese when all the brats were gone. “ He giggles into my hair, the soft puffs of air sending shivers down my spine.  
“Fuck yeah, Pizza and Fantasy Chinese!” He snakes a hand to my waist and holds me until he falls asleep.  
I shift slightly away from him and cup a hand around his cheek, hard cheekbone and a delicate jaw. I look straight at him, right at his eyes.  
“I don't deserve you Krav. You're sweet, caring, funny, wonderful, fucking perfect, so hot and you love me?” I whisper to him, tears already pooling in my eyes. “Why are you still with me Kravvie? Why haven't you realised that you deserve better?”  
He stirs and eases his eyes open. My stomach is somewhere by my toes. “Because you're perfect for me. “ He says simply in his deep sleepy voice. “Because I love you… Just because Taako, you're…” he yawns and I flush a deep crimson, anticipating his next words. “You're the best person for me and you fucking…” he yawns again and nuzzles into my neck. “you fucking know it. “  
Fuck I'm sobbing now. “Krav I did something. Something really really bad.” He sits up in the bed and looks at me, little sleep left in his system.  
“What did you do?” He looks at me like a very hard word jumble.  
“I…” I physically shift away from him slightly and take a deep breath and blurt it it before I can stop myself. “I cheated on you.” He looks at me for a split second and I see the hurt in his eyes. His skin flicks off and his eyes are replaced by bright flames as he stands up.  
“You did what?” Fuck, this is his angry beyond fucking comprehension voice, quiet and laced with venom. I look down at my hands and he reaches over the bed and grabs my jaw between two bony fingers. “Am I not enough for you?” I shake my head furiously, tears stinging at my eyes and look at him, silently begging for him to calm down. “Why… How could you betray my trust like that?” His voice breaks and he just shakes his head. “When?” He asks quietly and I wince, the memory coming back, more vivid them ever and I shake my head. “When?” He over-enunciates it the second time, voice growing more and more impatient. “I swear, you tell me right now or you're fucking dead.” He growls at me, like I'm the scum he chases day in and day out.  
“Your 2 week business trip-” He scoffs and grabs my hair where the plait is during the day.  
“Are you really that much of a whore that you couldn't wait 2 weeks?” He pulls me in closer and hisses, “You'd have anyone wouldn't you?” A fresh wave of sobbing comes on but I still try to tell him the rest.  
“FOG… bathroom… makeup… came in… told me… said no. I… I said no!” I'm not making any sense. Fuck… I'm a pathetic, snivelling mess but when I finally work up the strength to look up at Krav, he's just looking through me, catatonic. He shakes his head and as if he forgot that he was pulling on my hair hard enough to bring tears to my eyes, he releases me with a barely-there “sorry.” and puts his skin back on.  
“No! No I'm sorry! I-I was the one who cheated Kravvie, you've nothing to be sorry about!” He looks at me, a grin of disbelief on his lips.  
“You… you said no?” I nod. “And they still…?”  
“I'm sorry! I'm sorry I tried to get him off me but I'm weak so he just kept going and going and going and going-” Fuck I'm hyperventilating.  
He lies back down with me and takes me into his arms, whispering soft words of reassurance until I get my shit together. “Taako, I'm so fucking sorry.” He kisses the top of my head and I push up closer to him.  
“B-but I fucked someone else.” I mumble into his neck.  
“You were raped.” I pull away and look him straight in the eye. He gives me a kind smile. “When you don't say yes, it's rape.”  
“But I was dressed like a slut!” He smiles softly and kisses my forehead.  
“Doesn’t matter.”  
“But I'm Taako.” I scoff, furiously wiping at my eyes. “I’m fucking invincible.” I look at him and he gives me his shitty-amazing ‘I'll always be there for you’ smile. I bury my face into his chest and he holds me close. “Fuck you.” I mumble and he gives a warm chuckle.  
“Love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that Kravvie's a bit OOC here, I tried to make 'cheating' one of his relationship triggers, but since we don't know all that much about him it's a bit OOC. And it's obvi that he can be a dick considering that he's been Death for quite a while and tbh that's just an aspect of that job to me, to be able to be dickish. To be fair, Taako didn't phrase the fact that he was raped very clearly, but then again that is understandable... 


	9. Smoke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now this chapter may sound like it's pro anorexic and eating disordered behaviours, but am not pro any of these. This is only an insight into the world of an anorexic person, so please please PLEASE don't mimic these behaviours!!!!!!  
> Also I take the events of the following fanfic https://archiveofourown.org/works/9148462 to be true in this world.  
> Much love  
> ~Chemi

Okay, groceries. Veggies, fruit, Kravvie would probably want some bread, right? Okay he likes this really really seedy one, I need crispbread. Corn cakes, Fantasy Real Foods, 23 calories a slice, okay okay I can do this these are good. Spices, fuck how could I forget the spice, oh shit I’m so fucking dumb, okay spices. Tumeric, ginger, cayenne pepper… Kravvie loves his garlic powder so better grab that… Pasta, he said he wanted pasta for dinner tonight. Fuck I can’t have that anymore… I stand in front of the vast array of pasta. Fuck. If I touch it, I’ll literally gain. If I just wrap it in my scarf, it’ll be alright, right? I’ll get some rice noodles for myself, or shirataki noodles, they’re fucking great okay- “Taako! Taako!” Someone’s calling for me again. Fuck please not more food. I can’t do another food invite… I put on my best smile and turn around to see Maggie barreling towards me, and as he tackles me to the ground in a bear hug, I can physically feel the stares of the people around us. He looks up at me from my chest and smirks. “It’s been like a moon Taako, what the fuck?” He gets up and pulls me back up to my feet. “Whoa, have you lost weight?” He traces his fingers down my cheek and it’s all I can do to not swat it right the fuck away from me. I look him straight in the eyes and just focus on his warm, brown comfort until he’s done being all handsy with me in public.  
“What? Nah no, no way.” I grin at him and take him by the arm. Fuck the arm feels like the arm from FOG. No, no, this is Maggie. I’ve known him for over a century. He’s safe. Safe. I guide him to the self-serve checkout with my (disgustingly) full basket, not wanting anyone else to see me and judge that I have pasta, fucking pasta in my basket, and even if they can’t see it, they’ll fucking know it’s there oh my god. “How have you been Maggie? Cracked any skulls today?” I scan the food and keep making idle chit-chat with him until I scan the pasta, carefully holding the scarf in place, begging for him to not notice, but of fucking course he does, with Carey fucking Fangbattle as his trainer, it’s literally a miracle that he hasn’t noticed the second before we met.  
“What’s that?” He’s laughing softly, good, good, take this as a joke, that’s right this is just a joke. I giggle with him and motion conspiratorially to him to come closer.  
“I’m making sure the calories don’t transfer.” He pulls back with a mock horror. I’m not even lying, fuck yeah.  
He solemnly nods and puts a finger to his lips. “But yeah yeah nah, do you wanna come out to a cool club with me? Well, I heard that it’s cool, I don’t really know. Killian said it’s cool.” I smile his way and kiss him on the cheek.  
“Hell yeah.” I take all my bags after paying. “Tell me when and where and I’ll be there bubbalah.” He nods and tells me the deets and stuff. I’ll meet him tomorrow at 7pm.

I'm shaking a little bit, my skirt long but thin and my lacy shirt naturally drooping off my shoulder. It's so fucking cold. Why am I waiting outside for him? I could wait in a nice tavern or some shit. Like I can legit turn into an ice cube if Maggie doesn't get his ass here right now. And speak of the devil. “It better be warm in there you little shit.” He pats my head with a soft fatherly smile. And the second he removes his hand, he's sprinting at full speed off into the distance, to a pretty ordinary looking door in a pretty ordinary looking building. I Blink there right next to him.   
“You… You could've raced… ah fuck!” He gasps in a deep breath. “with me…”  
“Bubbalah I'm in an ankle-length skirt and stilettos that make me reach to the fucking heavens. I ain't running in that shit.” He smirks through the breath catching and knocks three solid times on the door and them drags his nails down it. “Why? Like legit why?” The door opens and we’re let in. “Okay that’s why.” He’s greeted by a warmly smiling male elf who’s thin and pretty and happy and I already fucking hate him. If I was still old Taako, chances are we’d be flirting and then spend the night in a hotel but I’m with Kravvie, fat and ugly now so he pays almost no attention to me but is all over Maggie. He waves us in and I instantly go to the bar for a diet coke and vodka because if I’m wingmanning today, I need the fucking energy. The bartender smirks and complies after sending me a wink. The lounge itself is dimly lit, dull pink, maroon and bright ass cyan lights standing out in floating orbs and lines across all the tables and pulsing through the dance floor. “I am so cold- let’s go- I am so cold - let’s go- ooh ooh”. Everyone seems to be enjoying themselves, dancing and laughing and drinking with the music loud enough to pump through my whole body. I sip at the vodka and coke and I’m starting to feel warm again. I can do this today. I’ll avoid the food like the plague, I’ve fasted for the past 52 hours and I’m not fucking up until I get to 72. Maggie finds me and gives me his adorable awkward smile as he pushes through a crowd to me.“stay with me please don’t go”.   
“How are you liking it?” He leans onto the bar right next to me. “Killian has some pretty fucking good taste right?” I smirk his way and push the empty glass onto the bar and grab his hand.  
“Dance with me.” I pull on him and almost throw him onto the dance floor with me, getting halfway to trampled and the music seems to have gotten even louder and I’m fucking living for it. I look up and the DJ is settled on a platform floating above the dance floor with orbs of light constantly circling them. Everyone else is jumping and dancing so I force Maggie to do the same with me, every beat pumping through me, the hard guitar and the weird squeaky, too-perfect-sounding disjointed noises coupled with the heavenly vocals bringing me as close to a music induced orgasm as that one time Johann played fantasy megalovania. “Face down and pushing through”. Holy Istus this is fucking awesome.   
“...Can we....now?” Maggie yells something to me but I just shrug since the orgasm fuel is way too loud right now. He grins and rolls his eyes, pulling me back to the small islands of the bar stools out at a sea of fucking great music and enough dancing lights to take me back to my days of constantly tripping. There’s definitely some sort of spell to keep the music a hell of a lot louder there. “Can we go flirt with cute people now?” He repeats I assume and I smirk.  
“You flirt, I help. Teamwork!” I slam my hand into his as a feeble excuse for a high five. While he checks the low lit cubicles and scattered tables for some of the ‘cute people’ I take another drink of vodka, a shot of pure this time and it’s gone when Maggie turns back around to deliver his report.  
“Alright, two cute chicks at that table, they look happy, I think elves, a pretty guy in that group over there, drow, and I think a group of human girls over there.” He points out each target to me and I order another coke and vodka to carry around with me and drink until I fucking pass out.  
“Expert Taako advises the elves. You’ve seen firsthand what elves can do and we’re fucking good.” I sip at the coke. “I’m pretty fucking gay so I’d choose the dude, obvi, but the chicks would be easier ‘cause smaller group.” Maggie grins and nods. “Want some?” I get up and offer Maggie the straw and he sips like the quaint, burly, 10 foot princess he is.  
“Let’s go my dude. Time to flirt and stuff.” I head on over to the table Maggie motioned at, the thirsty shit right at my side. “I may not have seen a basilisk recently, but something’s sure turning to stone.” He uses the same voice, that stupid ‘I’m like genuinely a good guy’ voice he used on me when we met. He’s so fucking lucky he’s met me or he’s be stuck with dumbass lines like “New to these parts?” for the rest of his life. The girl he’s aiming at actually giggles and after a nod from her friend motions for us to sit down. While Maggie flirts with the pretty brunette, her friend scans me up and down and then stifles a laugh into her drink.  
“What’s up?” I smirk her way and she narrows her big smokey eyes at me as if assessing whether I’m worth a reply.  
“You’re an elf.” She rolls her eyes. “But you’ve the build of a human.” My smirk falls away and I sip at my coke. “And there you go making it worse. Do you normally stuff your face with empty calories or…? Like don’t get me wrong, you look it, but why are you drinking alcohol? Do you even know how many calories are in that?” I purse my lips and she stands up and takes me away from her friend and Maggie who are happily chatting away. “You’re a shitty wingman, you know that right?” I force myself to keep the already stinging tears out of my eyes. She reaches into her purse, beautiful, tiny slender fingers playing with the clasp. She pulls out a small box. “Cigarettes. Before you eat, smoke one or two and you’ll find that most of the time eating isn’t necessary anymore.” She rolls her eyes at my not instantly grabbing them of her and presses them into my hand. “You don’t recognise me do you?” She takes my wrist in a firm grip. “Tatiana. Zelmar’s girlfriend? He’s not going hard enough on you.” I’m tearing up. “Don’t eat and you won’t be fat. It’s that fucking simple but you’re just a dumbass who doesn’t get it so you stuff your face again and again.” I rip my arm out of her hand and glare at her.  
“Who the fuck do you think you are?” I hiss at her and storm off and out of the club and go straight home, tears pouring down my cheeks.   
I finish half a bottle of vodka over the next hour before Kravvie gets home.


	10. Chapter 10

He scoops me up into his arms and carries me into bed, whispering soft words of reassurance while I sob into his chest. When he pulls the blanket over us, he also pulls me in even closer. “Taako maybe you should talk to someone about this. A professional I mean.” I shake my head and he just presses his lips against the top of my head. 

“I'm fine.” I slur and bury myself in his chest, a fresh fit of sobs ripping through my body. “Why is this so hard?” I feel Kravvie start to shake a little too. “Sometimes… I just want to kill myself to- to stop all… this… pain…” I close my eyes and fall into a trance to the faint sounds of Kravvie’s sobs. 

 

When I wake up, he's still holding me tight, but he's not asleep. His eyes aren’t burning as brightly as they normally would be and the flames are a dull blue rather than the normal bright red. I kiss them both and he smiles. It's such a sad smile that my heart breaks just a bit so I place a hand onto his cheek and he presses it down with his and the lights off his eyes go off, the reaper equivalent of closing them. “I'm sorry Kravvie.”

“It's not your fault baby.” He doesn't open his eyes and I don't take my hand away. “Every century I get two tendays of holiday leave. I haven't taken any yet so... Would you be alright with me taking nineteen these summer holidays? Like we can veg out and watch tv or go out somewhere or cuddle at home and obviously have a lot of absolutely mind-blowing sex…” I smile and kiss him and the little shit grins, still not bothering to open his eyes.

“Umm… you think I'd mind? Bubbalah what are you on?” He turns onto his back and pulls me on top. I rest my head right next to his on the pillow. I lower my voice, not wanting to hurt his hearing from being so close to him. “But nineteen?” He buries his face in my hair, my hand still on his cheek. 

“Our first Candlenights together.” He mumbles into my hair and I feel a pleasant warmth spread through my whole body.  _ Fuck am I falling in love? _

“Nineteen it is.” He lifts his head and maneuvers me into a comfortable enough position for making out after putting his skin on. He kisses me, tentatively at first but gradually picks up the pace as I also  _ furiously _ kiss him, his hands drifting across my skin and tongue deftly swiping at mine. This fucking awesomeness continues for probably ten more minutes. “Thank you.” I whisper when we pull away and back onto the pillow. “Thank you for giving a fuck.”

“I love you. I'll always give a fuck.” He finally opens his eyes and they're red and puffy. I cup his cheek and just gently caress it with my thumb. 

“I'll be alright Kravvie. I promise. I'll be alright.”

“I know.” He sounds more like he's trying to convince himself rather than me. I kiss him on the tip of the nose and pray a silent prayer to Istus to forgive my lying. 

 

We're cuddling on the couch when he smirks at me, the way he always does when he gets an idea that he thinks is the shit. “Let's go to the beach in our holidays.” He nuzzles into my hair. “We’ll take Lucretia, Angus, Ren? We haven't been in so long…” I roll my eyes at him and twist back to peck him on the anything. 

“Um… I don't know…” Summer + Beach = Hot = Showing my body. I'm not even close to my goal. I can't show people how fat I've gotten and how it looks like I've done nothing but exacerbate the problem. 

“I promise it'll be fun. You don't even have to swim if you don't want to.” He keeps holding me around the waist with one hand while the other snakes its way between my legs, caressing my inner thigh. His voice grows deep and lusty. “You could wear that sundress we love and I could fuck you senseless when we inevitably slip away for an hour.” He slips his hand further up my skirt and into my pants, fingers ghosting over my cock and bollocks. He presses a kiss onto my neck, a kiss that I'm certain will leave a hickey. “How ‘bout that?” He slowly starts stroking and draws out a needy moan from me that makes me lean back and lock lips with him. One rough, biting, hard kiss later I pull away and pant out a “Fucking fine. But you better fuck me senseless now too.” He gives a soft laugh and stands up, holding me up on him as I frantically clamp my legs around his waist and he carries me to our bedroom. 


	11. Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lol guess who crawled out of their depression hole long enough to piece a few words together~

I smirk up at Kravvie when we wake up and he giggles and rubs his eyes with one hand while still holding me on his chest with the other. “Wait, wait let me wake up first…” He gives a yawn that I swear was what the fantasy parting of the red sea looked like. I wriggle up his chest to kiss him when his yawn stops and he uses both hands to hold my waist now. “You're a horny little shit aren’t you?”

“Always am in the mornings.” I press my lips onto his and he smirks into them. I sit up, knees either side of his waist and he traces his hands first up my sides and then down to my thighs. The look in his eyes changes instantly when the lust is snuffed out by worry, a flash of anger and straight back to worry. He glances down at where his hands are and then back at me. I do the same and for a second, my breath hitches in my throat and my heart skips a beat.  _ The spell wore off _ . “I'm sorry…” I whisper to him, tears already stinging my eyes and make a move to get off him but he holds me tight.

“How-” His voice cracks. “How long love? Why?”

I avoid his eyes, not wanting to see the pain and disappointment in them but it carries just fine through his voice. “Kravvie, not long… It's just… It's just something I  _ need  _ right now.” He nods for a second and then sighs and sits up, still holding me up on his lap. 

“Taako… This isn't normal. Please, I'm begging you, get help. Like you don't have to talk to  _ me _ , I get it, but please just talk to  _ someone.  _ Taako…” He gently cups my cheek. “I… I love you so much…” His voice breaks at the ‘love’ and I want to tear myself out of my skin, I want to kick and scream at the world because I'm hurting my Kravvie. I settle for wrapping my arms around him as tight as I can and burying my face in his neck. “I'm sorry, no, please don't feel bad…” He kisses the top of my head. “It's not your fault Taako, you hear me?  _ It's not your fault.” _

“I… I need to go to work Kravvie.” I smile his way and kiss him softly on the forehead, hoping that forgives my leaving him. It of course wouldn't nor should it but as I slip into a loose top and jeans, I can't help but feel like he's doing this to get on my nerves. Caring, that is.  
  
It's near midday when my stomach finally cramps up. It's been two days since I've last eaten and my body finally decided 'fuck this shit I'm outta here' and I feel dizzy and in pain and fuck… I get up on fat, shaky, columnar legs and the world goes black for a second or two and then violently explodes into a starburst of lights of colours that I have never seen before and swear that never even existed. Then I'm fine again and I take one step, two, three, four, five to the bookcase and take out the book that I read that one time after the bathroom incident at FOG and it made me cry so hard I blacked out. I've carved into it since, making it a container, my own way of enacting revenge upon the bitchass of a writer who decided 'hey, it's totally okay to graphically write about my character slitting open his fucking wrists, and you know what, I'm not even gonna put a fucking trigger warning because, and say it with me, Fuck, You, People, With, Depression!' What's really fucked though is  that this is where I keep my pills and razors. I take a foil square of Fantasy No-Doz and a nice, sharp razor that I, Taako the Mastermind got from fuck-you-I'm-not-telling-you-where.  
I gulp down the pill and sit back down at my desk, washing it down with a mouthful of diet cola. The placebo has stopped kicking in early so there's no immediate rush like there was those glorious few first times I took them. I wipe at my mouth with a shaky hand. I've ten to thirty minutes until the hunger goes away so I drag the razor across my wrist lazily. The blood, a familiar, warm, kind friend beads along the shallow cut. 'Hungry again?' it asks in the voice of a warm bubble bath after a particularly long day.  
I clench my teeth and make another incision with the precision of an amateur surgeon. "Not at all." I huff under my breath and open up another cut, maybe a little deeper this time. The pain in my stomach goes away and I'm filled with a glorious kind of numbness, head wrapped in cotton wool, soft and warm and I'm so fucking blissfully numb that it almost hurts. I slide my eyes closed and just feel the blood drip down my arm, soft, smooth, warm rivulets of freedom and control. I open my eyes to draw more onto my skin, a little closer to my wrist, closer to the danger of accidentally slipping and cutting too deep. Then shut my eyes again to just… feel the numbness. A few minutes later, a foot of energy kicks me up my ass and I feel alive again. I put the razor away and get back to work, hands more shaky than usual signing off on school shit and marking classwork.  
  
The next evening I'm in the kitchen, having a really intense stare-off with the fridge. If only Kravvie was here, then I could make him eat and just watch how he sits so formally, back straight and carves up his meal. How his lips close around the fork, how his tongue would dart over his deep burgundy lips to get the last remnant of cream on his top lip and how his throat would pulse with a swallow, beautiful tendons clearly visible for a split second and how he licks the fork after finishing the cake, licking off the chocolate crumbs. Fuck. Now I'm hungry and sporting a semi. I, not without a frown, fill up a glass of water from the tap and chug it, pretending it has flavour (it really doesn't). Then another one, but only with small sips, pacing the kitchen while I drink. When even the third doesn’t help ease the craving I do a solid 40 jumping jacks. Short break. Then another 40. Longer but still short break, and the last twenty. Wait a minute and I'm now significantly less hungry. I open up the freezer, determined now to give myself a reward and dig through all of Kravvie's pasties and ice cream and get to my ice cubes. I take three plain water and one diet cola, just as a sweet kick. It's now been 73 hours since I've last eaten and holy shit Zelmar would be so fucking proud of me. I retreat to the office and write out the end-of-school-year speech for the assembly two weeks from now while crunching on my ice cubes.  
  
Kravvie's still on his business trip to the Astral Plane for my 98th hour of fasting and I'm getting desperately hungry, both for him and for actual, normal fucking sustenance and not just stock cubes and ice cubes and caffeine pills. Well, what my body dares to call actual, normal sustenance. My brain feels faint at the idea of eating something 'solid'. My body is screaming for carbs and my brain for control. I shut my body the actual fuck up with a homemade diet pill of a shittonne of different spices and feel warm for once. I hide myself in bed on this lovely weekend, trying not to think too hard of Kravvie despite his smell being all fucking over the bed. Eventually I guess I fall asleep to incredibly vivid dreams of killing myself and eating that pasta from Lup's birthday dinner.  
  
It's been five days to the second since I last ate and Kravvie materialises in front of the front door while I sit in an armchair reading a book by the same bitchass author, but luckily for me, this time they wrote something even more graphic so I can drown myself in it. As soon as I see him, I toss the book away and throw myself into his arms, and he smiles against my lips before bringing me into a kiss, as if the incident of self-harm discovery has practically never happened. "I missed you." He says softly when he pulls away and kisses my forehead.  
"Yeah well, I guess I missed you too?" I giggle into his ear and give it a soft nip. "You hungry? I made cool, totally not gross or poisoned with stuff that can kill death, uh… food." He scoffs and shrugs.  
"Eh, fuck it, death has been on my heels for a while now, probably since I started wearing heels." I snicker and make myself a cup of tea while plating up Kravvie's dinner, a nice slice of salmon with not gross rice and honey fried veggies. When I put it in front of him and only cradle a mug of tea for my dinner, he looks at me with concern, no longer even slightly vague. He raises an eyebrow and I shrug.  
"It's late: I already ate." Well, made it look like I ate. I took half of the rice from the rice cooker, half of the veggies and a slice of salmon and threw it right the fuck out to make it seem like I ate something. "Hey look, I'm a poet! Is it too late to change professions and get trained in bardic wisdom?" He smirks at me and finishes his dinner while I watch him eat. I swear he's doing it in the most sexual way possible and I'm fucking entranced by how beautiful it all is, the miniscule strain in his throat, the soft clinking of cutlery and crockery and his lips encircling his fork, tongue darting out sometimes to swipe at the sauce still on the fork. He notices me watching right at the end and makes eye contact with me while slowly licking the sauce off his knife. When he gets up to put the dish into the sink, my trance is broken as quickly as it was formed. I blink a few times, willing myself into the real world and then Kravvie appears in front of me, you ready for the cringiest description? With eyes absolutely filled with love, and he kisses me, tongue tasting faintly of honey and rice.   
"That was lovely, as always, Taako." I smile and stand up, loosely wrapping my arms around his neck. "Is there…" He takes me by the waist and pulls me in closer. "Is there any chance of dessert?" There's a mischievous glimmer in his eye and I lean in for a kiss, soft, gentle and warm.  
"You tell me." He smirks again and walks me to the couch. He switches the fantasy TV on and flips to a home renovation channel. He sits down, legs stretched out on the L-shaped couch, and  motions for me to join him. I comply, obviously and lie perpendicular to him, head resting on his lap and we watch the couple renovate and sell their old house with Kravvie playing with my hair and me planting soft kisses onto his thighs through his suit trousers.  
Somewhere around halfway through the second episode Kravvie whispers "You're perfect Taako." I give myself my sad smile and turn around to face him, his hand now softly caressing my cheek. "I'm so sorry I have to leave for so long sometimes. I promise that I don't want to."  
I sit up and straddle his lap, wrapping my arms around his neck while his snake around my waist. I press our foreheads together and close my eyes. "It's alright Kravvie. This is your job." I say in my softest voice, fuck this is so cheesy that I can physically hear the mice say 'hey whaddup'. "You know that I always miss your sweet ass but you always come back to me, and that's all thanks to the Raven Queen." I open my eyes to watch his. Beautiful, deep, enchanting brown. He's smirking, I notice as I allow my gaze to flick to his lips and right back to his eyes.  
"I love you Taako." He bridges the centimetre gap between our lips and I press my whole body up as close as I possibly can to him. One of his hands traces up my spine and presses into my nape, pulling me in even closer and licks into my mouth, and I offer no fight, no contest for dominance but just melt into his arms and slide my eyes shut again as he kisses me and I submissively kiss back. An unconscious roll of my hips against his body and he practically growls somewhere deep in his throat and I smirk into the kiss and roll against him again and that's enough for him to toss me back first onto the long part of our couch and kiss me from above now, the hand that isn't holding him up, preventing from falling onto me now tracing up and down my waist and chest and ghosting over the fabric covering my cock. I'm giddy and lightheaded with the fucking glorious feeling that is Kravvie's touch and I feel the world blur together with a dull ache at my forehead as I kiss him back with just as much fervour as he does me and I can barely breathe with the pressure of him above me and I can barely hear anything with how hard my heart is pounding and I can vaguely feel that Kravvie isn't kissing me anymore and his hands are on my cheeks and I try to open my eyes but my eyelids are too heavy and everything is too heavy and I just lean and sink further into the soft cushions under my head and fade away into the bliss that is Kravvie's touch.  


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So ummmmm yeah I'm off my meds and i can actually write now sooo no more antidepressants(?)

I must have dozed off. Wow, I didn't realise how late it was. As I open my eyes, a soft glow from our living room lamp illuminates Kravvie's face above me and I begin to regain sensation and realise that he's holding me, cradling me like a baby. He looks sad. "Hey Kravvie." I smile and he supresses a sob, clearly upset. I try to sit up, but he holds me down. "Kravvie-" My voice cracks when a tear flows down his cheek. "Kravvie, no, no bubbalah please don't be upset. I'm sorry I didn't mean to fall asleep, I swear that you turn me on more than anything in the world but I'm just so tired and school has been a bitch and… Kravvie…?" He purses his lips tightly and shakes his head softly.  
"Stop-" He clears away the huskiness in his voice. "Stop talking Taako." He whispers and eases his hold on me. He makes a point of not looking into my eyes and trying his best to avoid me entirely. "I want to get you to a healer." I giggle (clearly fake) and roll my eyes.  
"Oh, wow, um… Wow… I think I'll be just fine Kravvie." I give him my trademark sickly sweet smile and sit up, receiving no resistance this time. "I hope it's okay if I go to sleep now bubbalah, properly that is." I plant a kiss onto Kravvie's cheek and he still doesn't look at me. I get into bed and set myself into a trance.  
  
A week passes and it's just as, if not even more awkward as then. Kravvie still doesn't look me in the eye and I stay in my office until 2am most days, just trying to avoid him and any confrontation he wants have with me.  
  
Angus bursts into my office early one morning, around 7am and sits in one of my guest chairs. All it takes is one look at me and he starts sobbing. "Fuck, Angus, what's up?" I stand up on shaky legs off my chair (I broke my fast 135 hours in and now it's only been 19 hours), and sit in the guest chair right next to him. He sobs harder and bends in half, his head between his knees as I gently stroke his back. "It's alright bubbalah, just let it all out." After several minutes, he sits back up in the chair, leaning back, face streaked with tearstains and bottom lip quivering hard. "What’s wrong?" I ask again, keeping my voice soft and my movements slow and smooth while I reach for the tissue box on my desk.  
"I… I remembered things… and-" He hiccups. "I've no one to talk to… I'm so sorry…" He sobs again. "I'm a burden on you…" I look him in the eye and give a soft smile.  
"I have that too sometimes. And trust me when I say, I know you feel like a burden, because when I get this way that's what I feel too, but you're not a burden. At all. I'm here for you." He sobs again. "You can talk to me whenever you need to."  
"I remembered _everything_ , sir…" He gives a sad smile, the kind of heartbreaking sad smile that eleven-year-olds shouldn't be able to give. I give a knowing smile and pull him into a tight hug, praying to Istus to help us both just _deal_. "I remember Neverwinter and what they did." He whispers into my robes, deathly quiet and voice so even it hurts. "I remember the fire and I remember them running away as my parents screamed. Sir I remember all of it and I don't want to remember anymore." I nod and he pulls away. "How do you forget?"  
I scoff and sit back down. "I don't know. I wish I did so I could forget too." He looks quizzically at me, the first trace of Angus coming back. "I had bad shit happen in my childhood. I had bad shit happen when I was a teenager and young adult. Then again as an adult, and again very recently." I smile at his quiet 'what kind of bad stuff?'. "I was raped. Then I stopped eating, started cutting, almost killed myself by accident, just ask Ren, drank half a bottle of vodka, scared by boyfriend to undeath because he found out that I was cutting and most recently passed out under him while we were… doing adult stuff, because I hadn't eaten for five days." Angus looks at me with horror in his eyes and I have to give a giggle at that. "That’s just the 'again very recently' so yeah, I know how hard it is to remember things. I don't really know how to deal with hard situations if you couldn't tell from that, but I'm sure Ren would. Maybe talk to her? Like you don't have to give her the details but just I don't know, ask her?"  
"Sir… Why the hell would you tell me all of that?" He stands up quickly. "I'm sorry sir, but that was the worst fucking therapy session ever. I come to you for help and you just shove your problems onto me? No offence but fuck you sir." He storms out of my office before I can say anything and I just get back to work with a sigh.  
  
When I get home that same day, Kravvie is sitting up in our bed, glasses on and reading his stupid fucking book. I strip, not bothering to hide my cuts, some obviously very fresh and kinda deep and I give myself a grin at his suppressed gasp when he looks at me slipping into my sleep clothes. I slide into bed next to him and take his glasses off and his book out of his hands and place them both on his bedside table wordlessly and curl up on his chest. I take in his scent while he wraps his arms around my waist and presses kisses into my hair. After what seems like an eternity of this and I'm no longer so angry at the whole world that I feel like I'm about to implode he whispers to me, "I love you." Tears pool in my eyes and my throat tightens just enough for me to not be able to say a word back and I just make an affirmative noise in my throat and nod into his chest. "And I want you to remember that I'm saying this because I love you and that it's near impossible for me to even consider a life without you." He takes a deep breath. "I'm scared Taako. I'm death and I'm scared because that's how much you mean to me. I'm scared of your outbursts, I'm scared of the distance you're putting between us, I'm scared of your desire to shock and scare people- like Ren talked to me and told me that you scared the shit out of Angus-"  
"He wanted to know how to forget. I told him that I didn't know how to and that I'm hurting too." I mumble into his chest, still not making a move to leave.  
"Why don't you tell me those things? Taako, I love you, I'm your boyfriend, don't you think I deserve to know these things as well?" He speaks with his eternally patient voice, and he sounds so hurt and I finally pull myself off his chest and out of his arms and sit upright near him, scoffing as I do so.  
"You pretend to care, and pretend that you're a good, loving, patient person, but as soon as I tell you something that's bothering me or something that hurt me, you throw it right back at me!" I stand up off the bed and pace. "I told you what happened at FOG, and what did you do? _You yelled at me that I was a whore and that I couldn't keep my legs closed!"_ I spin around to him, pointing at him while allowing myself to get lost in this flood of emotion. "I thought I could trust you!" Fuck I'm sobbing now, shit, shit, shit what's happening? " _But you threw it right back at me, made me feel like shit, made me think that I was worthless and that I deserved what that cunt did to me in that bathroom when I just wanted support, when I just wanted you to say that everything was alright that I was alright, that we were alright and you-you pretend to care about me but when you do that shit I don't see how I can trust you with what's going on with me now and-"_ I gasp for air, dizzy, faint and as the world turns over and around and melts and freezes around me, I continue, losing Kravvie's face completely in this haze that is enveloping me, that's choking and chaining me. " _And that's why I couldn't tell you about me cutting and why I couldn’t tell you about that time when I accidentally almost killed myself in my office because everything was getting TOO MUCH and that's why I had to hide everything and just fuck you whenever you asked too many questions and why I'm distancing myself from you right now because if you say those kinds of things to me again, I'm scared that I won't be able to handle it and that I'll break and that 'accidentally almost killed myself' will turn into 'killed myself on purpose' because Kravvie… I'll break_."   
He silently approaches me and takes me into his arms and starts rumbling into my ear with his deep, soothing voice. "I'm sorry Taako. Last time I was unfair to you," I nod furiously, "but you've got to understand that it's hard for me too. I do try to be patient and caring, and you've got to admit that sans that indiscretion, I am, right?" I slowly nod. "And when you said that you cheated on me, that really hurts, because I love you, and I am not poly, and as far as I know you aren't either because we've discussed our relationship and agreed for it to be closed, and monogamous. I try very hard for you and you saying that you cheated on me snapped something in me." I open my mouth to say something but then he keeps talking. "Now, I'm not saying that you being raped is cheating. At all. But the way you phrased it made me believe that you did it willingly and enthusiastically, thereby disregarding all the love I have for you. And listen, I shouldn't have gone off at you like that. I'm not trying to justify that at all, because it was really fucked up, but I'm trying to give you what made me say those things. I shouldn't have, but I did and for that I am so, so sorry,"  
I sob for a few minutes into his chest after which he gently guides me back to the bed and holds me on his chest while I keep sobbing, tears soaking through his thin shirt and when I'm finally all wrung of tears, I realise that I've been digging my nails into Kravvie's chest and he's bleeding now, but still gently stroking my hair and back and whispering soft reassurances to me. "I'm so sorry Kravvie…" He looks down at his chest and gives a small shrug with the tiniest twitch of his lips upward and moves me up further up his body, now lying chest to chest, with my head just a few centimetres above his. "I'm falling apart, and every day is another struggle, another uphill slog just to get a brief plateau with you and then climb another, steeper hill." He looks me right in the eye and I notice that his are shifting from brown to red, in the middle stage of burgundy right now.  
"Please let me take you to a healer. I promise they can help." He speaks in his soft, ever-patient voice again and I just shake my head sadly and he returns a sad smile. "Okay love. You've a long day tomorrow my little fox, go to sleep." He softly pushes my head down onto his pillow, right next to his head and I can't help but supress a giggle at the nickname.  
"I'm gonna dye my hair so you can't call me that anymore."  
"You'll always be my little fox. Now sleep." He mumbles lovingly into my mouth and gives me a soft kiss that spreads warmth though my entire body and I close my eyes.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To be 100% honest, this and not wanting to die fat are pretty much the only things stopping me from just taking all my pills at once or slitting my wrists or jumping in front of a bus. It's very possible that this might be the only work I post because idk if I'll be able to hold on long enough to write another one.   
> This is a very triggering chapter. Taako (and me) kinda loses his mind.

**This is where it ends. I swear that this is the end because I can't do any of this anymore because everytime I try, I'm just shoved right back down onto the fucking ground. Everytime I try to stand up, everything twists in around me and I can't fucking breathe. How do I make this go away? My caffeine pills allow me to go a few hours without killing myself but the nights are so bad. Especially without Kravvie. I can't even fall into a trance anymore because everything is falling apart. Nothing is right anymore. 70.9kg of useless, disgusting fucking garbage. 20.9kg of fat clings to my bones and I want to take a knife and just slice and dice it all off until I'm finally happy because I know that when this weight is gone, I'll be happy. Finally, finally fucking happy and I crave it so bad.**

I'm sobbing onto my journal as I try to write these useless stupid words. Tears dilute the ink into pretty thin stands, decorating my pretty cursive Elvish. I stand up and walk decisively to my pills and knife. I take three caffeine pills and clench a tight fist around my dagger, using every inch of my self control to stop myself from stabbing myself into the thigh and getting to carving. I instead decisively slice it after pulling my skirt up. I smirk back at the smile opening up in my leg and give a soft giggle as I slice again, making another slice in the other thigh, a little deeper but that's fine. I slice a few gashes into my arms and stand up, finally with enough energy to do what I want and I want a fucking fag. Mouth, light, inhale, hold, exhale. Now I'm ready. I don't bother cleaning up the cuts, my clothes are dark, the blood will be barely visible there. I walk out of the apartment and after a few brief stretches I start my morning jog after waking up to an empty bed for the third day. I feel the blood pour down my stockings and sleeves but I keep running. I don't think I wanna be alive anymore. That thought makes me giggle and I pick up the pace a little. 

 

When I'm back home and out of the shower, which was pure hell, pure, delicious, beautiful hell on the gashes, Kravvie is sitting in the armchair. “Hey love.” He looks at me with his patient, loving smile and I could swear there were shines of tears in his eyes. I look down at the towel wrapped around my body, and nope, it's perfectly clean. 

“Welcome home bubbalah.” I plant a soft kiss on his forehead and he gives me a sad smile in return. By the time I get changed and come back out of our room, he's gone. I put the kettle on and get my coffee mix ready. 

 

Three long, slow, hot months pass and I managed to convince Kravvie to not take his days off for this small break. “I'll be fine Kravvie, I swear.” That and fucking him for the majority of our time together for a week persuaded him. I spent my days starving, slitting my wrists and exercising until I passed out. The nights were a mixed bag of a Kravvie love affair and crying until I threw up or fell asleep. But that doesn't fucking matter because I'm finally close, so close to being… whole. 56.4kg. Only 6.4kg left and I'll be pure and happy and Kravvie will stop looking at me with those sad, sad eyes filled to the fucking brim with tears because I'm so disgusting. 

 

Second week back and I haven't eaten for five days. I'm teaching the bratty second years who love me so much they made me a cake and a card last term. I left the cake in the staffroom. I'm just in the middle of explaining how Detect Magic can be useful in all kinds of situations and how to use it when I feel something pull on the collar of my robes and when I turn around to check it out, my vision instantly blurs and I try blinking it away but then a thick fog replaces my brain and my vision blurs even more and I can't feel my fingers or toes and the sensation rapidly climbs up and into my heart. 

 

_ The class falls silent. Mr.Taaco is in a crumpled heap of limbs on the ground and they all watch in stunned silence for a second until one of the kids runs up to their teacher. “Call Ms Ren! Come on, Keilath, Matla! Call Ms Ren!” The two kids run out of the room and the one that's by Taako’s body checks his vitals. Rika checks her teacher’s heartbeat (shallow, fast, irregular). She checks his breathing (barely there) and his light reaction (fine). Out of the twenty odd kids, three are by Rika’s side and the rest sit or stand, some visibly shaking. When Ren finally strides into the room, she staggers a little bit when she sees the emaciated man on the ground. “Class dismissed guys, go home.” Ren says softly and awakens the rustle of parchment and pens and bag fabric as the class slowly files out. Rika stays by Taako’s body, just looking at him until Ren pats her on the shoulder. “You should go home love. You can't help him more than you already have.” _

_ She looks at Ren, concerned and whispers, “Will sir be alright?” Ren just shrugs and Rika packs her things and jogs out of the room. _

_ “For fuck’s sake Taako.” She gives him a light tap on the cheek with an open palm and he slowly comes to, shaking, hands freezing cold. “Taako… What the actual fuck? Taako…” He sits up and moves to rest his back on the wall underneath the blackboard. He looks at Ren for a full second and when she nods he bursts into tears. Hot, stinging, painful sobs rip out of his throat and chest and he coughs, once, twice, three times into his hand and takes it away with drops of red in his palm. He draws his knees in to meet his chest and wraps his arms around himself as he sobs into his knees. “You know he needs to know.” Ren speaks softly and rests her hand on Taako’s shoulder, shuddering and shaking with sobs. “You know he will help you.” Taako lifts his head up, eyes meeting Ren’s, already flooded with tears as she gives Taako a sad smile and a shrug of her shoulders.  _

“I wish I was dead.” My voice comes out hollow and throaty as my lips slowly and awkwardly form the words. “Because _Taako_ is already dead. _I'm_ alive because _I_ killed _Taako.”_ I watch a tear stream down Ren’s cheek as she looks on at me, at _Taako_ with something like fear and disbelief. I don't know whether to laugh or to cry at her face. “ _He_ _can't_ _know about this._ Ren please, he can't.” She presses her lips together into a hard line and her eyes flash for a second. I'm scared she's gonna yell at me for a second but she just sighs and blinks away a tear. 

“Next time.” She shakes her finger at me and helps me up. “Next time this happens, you're marching your ass over to your Kravitz and telling him or I swear to Oghma I will.” I nod away the black spots in my eyes and pack away my lesson things. “I'll be in the staffroom if you need me or want to… to talk.” She leaves the room, leaving me alone with these hands of mine. I want to kill myself. I slowly walk over to my office, careful to not fall, careful to not pass out again and when I make it, finally, I lock my door behind me. I can't make it to my chair so I just crawl on into a nook between two bookshelves and Mage Hand my hollow book over to me. I take my caffeine pills, a handful, maybe twenty or thirty, just to make sure that I don't pass out again. I Mage Hand my vodka over too, and wash them down. I stretch my arm out and pull up the sleeves of my dress shirt. The soft, pudgy flesh exposed for me to carve into as I please. I take another shot to numb the ache in my chest, like someone is stabbing me over and over again. I get my painkiller bottle and take a handful of those as well, desperately trying to mute the music playing over and over in my head.  _ I'll be dead before the day is done.  _ I drag the blade across my wrist  _ See I am haunted by you and no rivers or lakes can put the fire out  _ and watch the blood pour out and down into my lap staining my skirt.  _ Seven devils all around me.  _ It's a battlecry it's a symphony. My sending stone buzzes and I bring it over to myself and answer. 

“Hey love, I finished work early today, do you want to go out for dinner or a movie?” He sounds so happy. Oh gods he sounds so happy without me.  _ I'll be dead before the day is done. _

“ _ Help me _ .” I choke out into the stone, throat closed up tight with tears. “ _ Kravvie please help me. I'm at work-” _

_ “ _ Be right there.” He says, no more flirtiness left and he appears in my office a second later. He looks around for a second, and when he finally sees me, he lunges toward me, and takes me into his arms, rests my head back on his shoulder as he checks my pulse and starts chanting something into my ear but I'm swimming fast and far away, my mind floating away somewhere. Then my body doesn't hurt anymore. I try to turn my head and it moves smoothly to meet with Kravvie, holding me and sobbing into my neck. He turns me around so we're now facing each other and he holds me tight and holds my head and sobs into my neck, slowly rocking us back and forth. I rest my head on his shoulder again and close my eyes. 

“I'm so sorry Kravvie. I'm just so tired… Can we go home?” He squeezes me tighter and lays me down onto soft pillows and mattress. I force my eyes open and see that we’re in bed and he climbs in right after me and wraps his arms around me once more. I do the same and we both fall asleep crying into each other's necks. 


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact caffeine works miracles and rn my chest rlly hurts  
> Anyways this is like the last kind of not fully fucked up chapter so um get ready for HEAVY angst. Good luck and ilyyy, be safe. 
> 
> Chemi~

I smile at Kravitz across the table as I sip on my black coffee and he eats his cereal. He purses his lips for a second and then smiles back, obviously concerned. “Do you want me to make you something? I wouldn't mind.” He tentatively offers but I just smile and shake my head no. He presses his lips together again and gives his cereal a sad sort of smile. “Alright. It's date night today right?” I nod and take another sip of the disgusting ashy liquid. “Should I pick up some snacks or dinner? We're doing a movie right? A movie isn't a movie without popcorn…?”

“Drop it Kravitz.” I say softly, but firm enough for him to give a deep sigh. 

“Sorry. You're right, you'd tell me if you wanted anything wouldn’t you?” I nod, you know, like a liar? “All I want love, is for you to be happy.” He finishes off his cereal and walks up to me with the empty bowl in his hands. He kisses my forehead and whispers a soft “I love you” and when the bowl is in the sink he transports himself to work. I take a deep breath and chug the rest of the coffee, instantly feeling nauseous.  _ Fuck fuck fuck fuck. He's trying to feed us. He's trying to feed us up into a fat fuck!  _ My hands start to shake and the voice doesn’t stop.  _ How dare he? We're close Taako, so close and soon, so soon we’ll be perfect and he won’t be able to touch us and we can just starve for weeks and he won’t be able to do anything because we’ll be protected. He hates you, hates us, hates me he wants to separate us he-  _ I throw the mug at the wall. “Shut up! Shut up shut up shut up!” I look at the slivers of ceramic now piled up against the tiled wall of the kitchen. I scream. I scream and throw the sugar bowl and the salt and pepper shaker and the milk jug that Kravitz left on the fucking table. “Shut up!” I stride over to the fridge and pull out the ice-cream that Lup brought over last week. I pull out the mac’n’cheese I made for Kravitz last night and the juice that he loves so much and my throat is tight with tears and I stride to the pantry after dumping everything onto the table. I take the chocolate bars, biscuits, crackers, Fantasy Little Debbie’s snacks, fucking  _ everything  _ I can get my hands on. I sit down at the table again and frantically unwrap everything that needs to be unwrapped, tearing all the packets open and getting a couple of paper cuts from the cardboard boxes, every fibre, every bone in my body, starving aching screaming for the food. I start to properly sob and shove spoonfuls of the ice-cream and pasta and chocolate into my mouth and gulp it all down with the juice and then shove in more and more, barely chewing, throat screaming in pain and tears fucking torrenting down my face as I shove in more and more food in and in and in. The Fantasy Little Debbie Cosmic Brownies are particularly hard to swallow but i just help them in with the ice-cream and pasta and chocolate and juice and I keep going until I literally feel like I'm about to explode and everything is swirling around me and one panic attack later I shove in even more fucking stupid dumbarse food and eat and eat until there's nothing left to eat and I'm pulsing with adrenaline and the voice is screaming for me to rid myself of everything and I'm sobbing, somehow on the floor and I try to stand up but my stupid body won't have it and I crawl to the bathroom on all fours like a fucking animal. I grab onto the toilet seat like a floatie in a deep-ass pool and shove my fingers down my throat not bothering to shrink my nails down and a glob comes up and my stomach literally feels like it's about to explode, spattering my insides everywhere with every second there's something in there. I shove them in again and again and again until I'm dry heaving but there's still something in there do I summon a glass of water and chug it and go all over again, throat now sandpaper raw and my vomit is fucking red. Did I eat something red? No no I don't think so. I keep going, terrified of undoing all of my progress and throw up over and over, rinse and repeat until my vomit is a  clear red. That's when I can breathe again. I flush the toilet, removing the food evidence and get up off my knees. The world inverts and fades into black. 

 

When I come to, I’m sprawled on the cool tiles of the bathroom floor. I feel angelic, ethereal, like I’m not really here. I stand up in a daze and start to clean up the mess of the food and wrappers and containers on the table. Just looking at it makes me want to throw up again but I’m an empty angel. Hollow. Beautiful. Eventually the kitchen is spotless and I move to the bathroom. Weekends don’t usually go like this. I would usually be out on a walk, far, far away from food and with no money to get any from the store. But today is a day in. I haven’t felt this weak for a long time. I turn the hot water tap on and wait for it to get to the mildly scalding temperature that I love. I strip bare and step on the scales. 50.1kg. I’m so close. I’m almost there. I step into the steam and fog of the shower cabin.  _ You’ve done well, you can use the eucalyptus soap today _ . I wet my hair and rub the expensive shampoo in, lathering it up. As usual when my hands come away from my head, a shit tonne of my hair escapes with them, When I finish with my hair, so rapidly thinning that I’m almost a thousand percent certain that soon I will end up looking like Merle with his stupid bald head. But it’ll be worth it, and I’m fucking rich so getting a few cool wigs won’t be a problem.

 

Date night with Kravvie is almost always heavenly and tonight is no exception. I curl up into his arms and lap while we watch a trashy comedy, probably our favourite movie of all time. He plants soft kisses into my (rapidly thinning) hair (or if he really wants me to get super hard super quick, licks or sucks on the tip of my ear) and I play with his hands. Pure domestic bliss. 

When the movie is over, he turns me around to face him, and kisses into the crook of my neck. I giggle and plant my fingers into the dreads at the base of his skull. “You’re beautiful Taako.” He smiles at me warmly and traces his hands up and down my torso. “Beautiful, perfect, amazing.” He punctuates each word with a kiss. “And I love you.” He moves one of his hands to my nape and leaves the other one firmly pressed against my waist. He pulls me into a gentle, soft kiss that he slowly deepens, but I feel nothing. I stay like a pliant doll on his lap. He pulls away and looks at me, his face again showing that sad, concerned expression and Taako, the real Taako would jump to comfort his Kravvie, and probably wouldn’t even be in this situation but I just look on at Kravvie. “You don’t wanna do this, right?” I softly shake my head. “That’s alright love.” He smiles and kisses my forehead. “Do you want to go to bed so you could trance?” I nod and he smiles at me again, but I can see that he’s concerned. Concerned and probably scared and I’m concerned and probably scared too but I’m too tired to tell or show him. He stands up, with me still in his arms and carries me to our bed. “Do you want me to hold you while you’re falling into the trance?” He asks when he places me under the heavy blanket. I hesitate for a second. Should allow him to do his own thing or should I give in to my selfish want to have him nearby? “Anything you want Taako, remember? I don’t exactly have anywhere else to be.” He gives a soft, rumbling chuckle and I instantly switch into selfish mode.

“Stay?” He climbs into the bed with me and takes me into his arms.

“I love you Taako. And trust me, this, me making you let me hold you is a purely selfish desire. I love you and want to protect you.” I turn around and bury my face in his chest and he holds me as I sob, just sob for no fucking reason.

 

The next morning I wake up freezing cold. Like genuinely freezing cold. I softly push myself out of Kravvie’s arms and tiptoe to the bathroom for the thermometer. Right under the armpit it goes. I wait for a minute until it starts beeping and then check on it. 35.5. I blink a few times, trying to recall the normal body temperature.. 36.5 to 37, I think? Well fuck. I turn the shower on to just try and get myself back up to the normal temperature. The water is scalding on my fingers and toes. Like actually boiling hot and I can guarantee that it’s not the best feeling but fuck it, I need my body temp back up so I don’t actually die fat.


	15. I'm sorry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fuck fuck fuck fuck yk?  
> I'm so sorry this is where the storm hits hard and I'm buzzing and almost killed myself but you know what there's a new chapter so who cares because i can write i can still write and did you know you can snort caffeine pills if you crush them and i'm seeing things move where things shouldnt mive and i feel pathetic because taako can stare for a whole fucking week but i've only been going for 51 hours and i'm weak and pathetic but here have a new chapter because i love you guys and please be safe and please be safe i'm so sorry for this rant i love you all so much but i can't see straight anymore

Another week passes, and this marks my first full week of eating nothing. I looked in the mirror after I reached 50kg. I was still a little bit pudgy so I moved my ultimate goal weight to 45kg. I look over at Kravitz on the couch, reading his stupid literature and drinking his Astral Plane tea. I pad over to him softly and he looks up, pushing his glasses back in the process. I grin at him, the three caffeine pills kicking in. He gives his practically signature by now sad smile and closes the book. “Fuck me.” I kneel, a knee either side of his waist and bring him into a kiss. It's rough, hard and lusty from me but he only gently reciprocates. He ghosts his fingers on my waist, barely holding me and I pull away, tears already gathering in my eyes. “Kravvie?” A tear leaks out of my eye. “Kravvie please?” He wipes the tear away with the pad of his thumb but still says nothing. He still keeps his hand on my cheek and eyes on mine though. “Kravvie?” I whisper and lean forward to kiss him again but he gently pushes me away, hand spread on my chest. “Did I do something?” I give a sob and swipe at my eyes, getting rid of the tears. 

“No love. You just…” He sighs and I see he's tearing up too.  _ Fuck he's gonna break up with us because we're too fat _ . “I'm scared.” He sits up straighter, pushing himself back up against the couch further and pulls me in closer to him. “When was the last time you ate babe?” I set my jaw into a clear haughty look. Something that clearly says ‘How dare you ask me that and I'm not going to even dignify that with a response.’ He strokes my cheek softly with his finger knuckles. “Honey please… When was the last time you ate something?”

“Yesterday.” I lie through clenched teeth and make a move to get off his lap but he holds me still. He looks at me with a pleading look in his eyes. He blinks a tear down onto my knee and I bury my face in his neck. “A week ago.” I whisper to him, hoping, praying that he misheard it but he just hugs me and lets out a soft sob. 

“Taako…” He runs his fingers gently up and down my spine. 

“I passed out twice. It got so bad yesterday that I vomited from drinking water. There was blood.” I gingerly play with his ponytail of dreads as I whisper the words that cause the man that means the most to me break down into sobs for the first time in front of me.

“Please… let's go to a healer…” His voice it's choked, no longer the smooth, soft baritone it usually is.

I pull away without resistance this time and get off the couch. I try my best to put on the mask of happy, cheery, flirty Taako. “And as much as I have enjoyed spending time with my sexy as death boyfriend, I have a meeting to go to.” I all but run for the front door and slam it shut, fury, rage, ire boiling over in my body.  _ He's pretending to care. He hates you. He's never loved you and will never love you because you're only a dumbass fat whore he plays around with. Why else would he have not noticed that you haven't eaten all week? He doesn't love you Taako, wake the fuck up.  _

  1. I need E. Or Molly, something, anything that will make this ache in my heart **_go away._** Long strides and I'm at my dealer. I trade a hefty bag of gold for 25 pills, all uppers so I can face people today. I take 5.



When I'm back from the brain-meet-drill session with the principals of the other schools in the area, Kravvie’s still sitting on the couch but he's now joined by Lup, Maggie and Ren. I've half a mind to just turn around and leave but Kravvie whispers “stay, please” and just like that I'm rooted to the ground and lean against a wall. He sounds… broken.

“Koko, we’re worried.” I scoff and roll my eyes at my sister’s fake-ass words dripping with pity. “Kravitz says you haven't eaten in a week? Ren says you passed out at work and tried to kill yourself? Magnus tells me that you blew up at a girl in the club and stormed out with a pack of cigarettes and then drunk yourself to near death?” She looks to be in pure agony as she looks at me, tears freely steaming down her cheeks. The rest seem to just be there for support, refusing to even look up at me. Except Kravitz. He stares into my eyes everytime my gaze flicks from Lup to him.  “You've lost so much weight Koko. You're nothing but bones. Koko I'm fucking terrified of you walking out somewhere and passing out or throwing up and rupturing your oesophagus and dying-”

“Well I can't exactly rupture my oesophagus from vomiting if I don't fucking eat, now can I?” I interrupt her with my coldest, most sarcastic tone and give a scoff. “Fuck you Lup. You pretend to care but are really just a jealous attention whore wanting my weight loss success. And you Ren?” She doesn’t look up. “You're a talentless bitch wanting to take my spot as principal as soon as you all cart me off to the fucking looney bin. And Maggie is just the brainless brawn following along with whatever anyone says.” I direct my glare at Kravitz who slowly gets up and walks over to me. He caresses my cheek softly. “And what am I Taako? Say anything you want if it'll help.” He rumbles in those soothing tones. 

“You pretend to love me. You gave me false hope. You tell everyone my business. You hurt me on purpose.  _ You pretend to love me. _ ” I hiss, practically spit at him.

“I do love you Taako. So much that it hurts.” I scoff and pull out of his grip. “I just want you to be safe.” I clench my teeth and swing an open hand at him, slap squarely landing on his cheek.

“I. Fucking. Hate. You.” I storm out the front door, slamming it shut so hard that I hear splinters. 

I just walk. I just walk as far and as fast as I can. I dry-swallow ten more pills, now with even more energy and the hunger pangs are a thing of the past, tears streaming down my cheeks and pooling at my feet even as I start to run and I take five more pills. The tears reach my waist and I'm sprinting now, somehow already in Neverwinter running through alleyways and back streets and now the tears press against my chest, heart struggling to pump through the pressure and my vision is blotchy as I back up against a wall. Dead end. Blurry faces approach me as I stop and start breathing and they're saying something but no matter how much I struggle, I can’t discern what they are saying but their hands are like fire all over me. Burning while they make noises underwater. I'm pulled down, hellfire cufflinks pulling on my legs and my shell is stripped off with the faint sounds 

of tearing and then the hellfire is in me, concentrated, charring my insides and I make some sort of vague motion to push the hellfire away but as soon as it's out of me, a different one explodes into me.  _ no no no no no no no no no no no that's where kravvie goes. only kravvie can be there why is not kravvie in there why why why why. _ Another type bursts in and I feel vomit come sprinting up my throat and the picture flashes into focus for a second and I was right it's not Kravvie it’s strangers laughing and smirking and  _ fucking _ me. I try to get up, to fight but my limbs scream in protest.  _ we deserve this we desrve this we deserve this we deserve this.  _ Then I'm back in the haze the fog and the hellfire burns on and on and on while the water pushes onto my chest hard so hard that I can’t breathe that Taako can't breathe and  _ i’m so sorry Taako i fucked up so hard i’m sorry Taako you were happy if i didn't let him rape you you'd be happy and i’m sorry Taako _ . Taako is floating away somewhere and floating and floating as the hellfire keeps burning and burning and the water presses on his chest, fucking up his heartbeat as he lies there unable to move and i watch from above and i watch from above as Taako is raped again and again and he's crying and i’m crying but he can't move and i can’t help him because limbs are now a thing of the past me and Taako is crying and Taako is crying and they  _ don’t stop _ .


	16. Chapter 16

Taako is lying, half naked on the cold asphalt of the alleyway. He’s barely breathing, body finally shutting down from the months of abuse and binging and purging and starving. He’s skeletal, skin tightly clinging to what seems like only bone. He stays there for a few days, alone and freezing cold, through a day and a half of light showers and another day of bright sunshine. His heartbeat is slow and erratic and he  _ can’t breathe. _

A woman comes by on the third night. A human woman in her mid thirties with pretty blonde hair and cheap robes. She kneels by Taako’s practically freezing body and tries to shake him awake. He opens his eyes but doesn’t move or speak and she takes his freezing hand into both of her warm ones. She looks at him with pity and picks him up after whispering a soft reassurance that Taako can’t hear and she doesn’t listen to. He’s barely heavy enough to cause her a strain. His bones poke at her, his hips particularly jutting out and into her well covered ribcage. She takes him to the nearest healer emergency room and when she places him down onto one of the waiting chairs his eyes fixate on a point somewhere far away but he still doesn’t speak or move. He’s shaking and while the woman speaks to the healer-in-chief on duty, his nurse brings over a blanket to the shaking elf, so beautiful but too thin and sits with him, rubbing his back in soft, small circles. The healer-in-chief thanks the woman and she leaves, throwing one last look back at Taako, a faint shine of a tear in her right eye. The nurse, an elf in his 3 rd century goes to get a wheelchair to transport Taako to one of the beds and the healer-in-chief introduces himself to Taako. “Hello. My name is David Irithyl. I will be taking care of you. Can you tell me your name?” Taako stares at that same point far away and David waits for a full minute before continuing. “We will keep you here. You are severely underweight. If you can hear me, try to talk to me eventually. I’m on duty Monday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. The other healer is Dankara Ironfist. She is very skilled and will take good care of you.” David speaks clearly and gently, enunciating each word perfectly while Taako still stares at that point. “You will need to have a feeding tube. Possibly an IV drip as well. We’ll run tests for that.” The nurse comes back with the wheelchair. “This is Ilitor. He’s our resident nurse. He is also very good at what he does. You’re in good hands here.” Taako doesn’t respond or move when they move him from the waiting room seats into the wheelchair. They wrap a hospital band around his wrist, having to make another hole to fix it so it doesn’t slip off Taako’s hand. They move him to the bed in a room shared with only three other people. They keep a nurse with him at all times for the next three weeks, monitoring him, trying to get him to talk or move of his own volition or eat something that wasn’t from the feeding tube but he doesn’t. He doesn’t even open his eyes anymore. When he came in, he was at a measly 41.6kg, bones threatening to rip out of his skin. He’s at a round 50kg now.


	17. Chapter 17

_ He’s been gone for a moon. Three tendays without him. _ I stare at the teabag, slowly releasing the caffeine I need. Lup walks up behind me and pours herself a cup of tea as well, softly patting me on the back as she does. “It’s my fault he’s gone.” I break the silence with a cracked voice and tears threatening to spill over.

“No it isn’t.” She whispers and puts her mug down. “If you didn’t do something, he would have killed himself. Starved himself into a heart attack.” I give a soft sob and she takes me into her arms. “You did what you had to do Krav. Koko is… temperamental, but he’ll be back. He’s probably staying with one of his old friends.” I hug her back tight, knowing that she must be going through the same shit as I am, if not even worse and she’s keeping a strong front, cheering us all up with movies and practically running the search, approaching every healer organisation, all of his friends we know about and asking if they’ve seen him. 

“Thank you so much Lup.” I mumble. “If you and Barry weren’t here I would’ve gone crazy.”

“I’d do anything to make sure Koko has a boyfriend to come home to. And besides, you’re family now, big bro, you’re fuckin’ stuck with me.” She giggles and lets me go after another minute of just silently holding each other. “We’ll find him Krav. We’ll find him and fuckin’ force him to want to get better and then get better and we can spend time together and celebrate Candlenights together. It’s all going to be okay. I promise.” She smirks at me and I give her another hug, a quick one this time and I come away with streaks of tears down my cheeks. 

“I’ll cover the western and northern district today.” I take my cup with me as I go search for the love of my life. Death. Undeath?

 

The nights are always the worst. I used to hold him and watch him fall asleep or trance and then sleep myself so I could wake up the next morning with him sprawled on top of me and holding me like an octopus. Now it’s cold and empty.  _ He’s not dead Kravitz. You’d know if he was dead. You are death.  _ I chant that mantra to myself, knowing that I can do no more to look for him than I’ve already done today. Every time I get the mental call from the Raven Queen, I brace myself to hear her say ‘Taako Taaco, cause of death something, place of death somewhere.’ But she never does. It’s never him. I think I’d get some sort of sick relief from hearing he’s dead. That means no more searching. That means he’s not suffering anymore. That means that I get to die as well, properly this time. That means I could be with him forever in a place where he will never suffer again. I sob into the pillow I now hold as a weak replacement for the man I love the most I have ever loved anyone. But if he dies he’ll lose everything. Everything he’s worked so hard for his entire life will be taken away and he’ll be left at square one, without Lup, without Magnus. What if he’s reborn? She can make those decisions if she doesn’t think a soul is worthy of going into eternal peace. Then he’ll be left without  _ me _ and I without  _ him _ . I sob harder into the pillow. I miss him so much. I miss him and I hope he misses me too.


	18. Chapter 18

_ I wade through an ocean of thick tar. Hellfire all around me, heating the already boiling tar to unimaginable temperatures and I’m alone. All alone under a sky of burning, bright stars and in an endless ocean of thick black tar. I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to have this fight everyday, I just want to sink into the waves and drown, finally, blissfully at peace. My head dips under and the tar is hell on my lungs but what’s worse are the fingers that grab onto me. They stroke me up and down and their faces come into focus. The man from FOG, the men from the alley and all their hands and tongues and  _ **_cocks_ ** _ are around me and in me and… I just want and need and want and need Lup here. I need her here. I try to yell for her, to scream for her, to make her come and save me but the tar is stuck in my throat.  _ I need to swim up so she can hear me. _ I struggle against the tar, hands dragging, pulling me down further into the tar but I keep going, keep forcing my way up and kicking the hands away and I try to scream again. Easier. This is getting easier. I keep struggling and eventually I take deep gasps of cool fresh air and scream with all my lung power for my sister, for Lup, for the person who kept me sane on the streets of New Elfington and I scream her name and I can open my eyes. _

Doctors practically swarm me when I open my eyes. They heard me scream. They heard me scream for my sister and they’ll get her and everything will be alright.

“What’s your name?” The more I come to, the more I notice. There’s a drip in my arm. The walls are a pastel green. There are only two people at my bedside.

“Taako Taaco.” I choke out, voice husky and gravelly. It’s almost like I forgot how to talk. I’m in a hospital. The dwarf woman has a name tag that reads ‘Dankara Ironfist’. There’s a tube in my nose. It hurts to swallow. “I’m in hospital?” She nods. “How long have I been here?”

“One moon.” She gives a sad sort of smile, the kind Kravvie oft gives. I take a deep shaky breath. Kravvie. Kravitz. My boyfriend. The one I screamed at. The one I told I fucking hated. 

“One moon.” I reaffirm it in my head. I was gone a full moon. I was gone a whole moon. “I’m tubed?” I slapped him. 

“Feeding tube, yes.” She nods. “You are underweight. Your body could’ve given out at any point.” I am underweight. I could've died. I could've died and left Kravvie. I could've died. 

“How much did I weigh?” She sighs and adjusts her clipboard in her arms. 

“I'm not supposed to tell you. When you're being treated for anorexia-”

“I'm not anorexic.” I cut in and she looks mildly uncomfortable and fidgets slightly. 

“Maybe not but we explore the basic options before diagnosis.”

“I'm the principal of a school. I'm stressed.” She smiles weakly.

“I'm sorry.” She says and walks out of the room. I turn to the man sitting next to me.

“Are you a nurse?” He nods. “Are you able to contact Lup Taaco or Kravitz Schumacher?”

“Yeah, I should be able to. Addresses?” I give him Kravitz’ and mine and then stumble a little at Lup and Barry’s. “Alright. We’ll send word you're here. Tomorrow you'll be talking with a psychologist if that's fine.” It doesn't really sound like I have much of a choice and he adds, “You can't have visitors before you're seen by the psychologist though.” I clench my teeth and purse my lips. 

“Fine.” I hiss out and he nods. 

“You were in a bad way when you came in Taako. Like, a real bad way. I'm happy that you're talking now.” He plays with his hands awkwardly and looks up at me, with tiny hints of tears in his eyes. “I'm so sorry we didn't recognise you.” He gives himself a scoff. “You saved the world, we all knew your face, but… You were a skeleton. You used to have so much energy and now you're barely alive, a feeding tube in your nose and grey skin and barely breathing…” He smiles and shakes his head. “I'll go send word to your family. They can come in after midday tomorrow, you'll be done with the psych by then.” He stands up off his chair. “Oh, um do you want me to bring you anything? Like maybe a book or some tea?” I shake my head gently and he gives an awkward nod and leaves. I lean back into the bed, completely relaxing my body. 

“Fuck.” I whisper at myself. Extremely underweight? Out for a moon? Feeding tube? I wish I had my sending stone with me so i could just talk to Kravvie without interruptions and extra eyes but I'm just in a thin paper hospital gown with needles in my arms and a stupid feeding tube down my throat.  _ Every second, you're getting fatter. Every second that tube is in there, it's undoing the months of starving you went through. All the pain, the hurt, the cravings… that was all for nothing. _ I trace up the tube lightly, with just my fingertips and softly grasp and pull on it, just to see what it'd feel like if I was to tear it out. They’d probably not let me see Kravvie or Lup if I did that. I leave it in for now, my first victory over the bad Taako. My first victory over myself. It tastes sour.

 

The psych comes by around 9 the next morning. Relatively pleasant looking human in probably his late twenties or early thirties with slicked back black hair and glasses precariously balanced on the bridge of his nose. He asks me about my family, about my violent tendencies, if any, towards myself and about the Hunger. Both of ‘The Hunger’s. For the first time, I'm completely honest. I tell him how fucking hard it is to pretend that everything is okay. How hard it is to accept and deal with the fact that I'm not needed in the world anymore and it hurts so much to accept that I am now only a civillian. How I have no control over anything anymore.

He cuts in when I say that. “You're the principal of a school Taako. You're with a man who loves you. You have control.” He gently smiles and pushes his glasses back up his eyes. “You don't need to resort to starving yourself or cutting.” I tell him of the rape and how he convinced me that it was my fault because I gained weight. How he told me that I shouldn't have gone outside with that much weight on. How scared I was. Of everything. How I was even scared of Kravitz for a little while. How  _ hungry _ I was all the time but how my brain refused to send the right signals to send my hands for food and that food into my mouth. How  _ disgusting _ I feel all the time. How I miss when I was happy and confident and not scared of everything around me and how I became my own worst enemy and how I was my own dungeon master, coming up with new, creative ways to punish myself. How tired I am.

He diagnoses me. Anorexia nervosa binge purge subtype, major depressive disorder, PTSD and panic attack disorder. He wants me to stay as an inpatient for a few months. “Thank you.” I choke out through my tight throat, closing up with impending tears and as soon as he leaves, they erupt. Violently. Like delayed eruptive boiling, when you heat stuff in the microwave, take it out and it basically explodes. Yeah that's me right now. Sobbing and sobbing, tired of holding it in, happy to have finally broken out of the chains. I have to stop and cough up a blood clot in the middle, which only makes me sob harder and I curl in on myself, blanket like sandpaper against my skin, pillow a hard rock and the feeding tube clawing away at my insides, shredding them. I eventually calm down, with Ilitor cleaning up my bloodied hand and face and just softly reassuring me that I will be alright. “Kravitz Schumacher is here, with Lup Taaco.” He tells me softly when I'm mostly calm. “I can tell them you're not ready if you want.” He gives me a sad smile and pats my head gently. “We take baby steps until you want to switch it up.”

I shake my head softly. “No, I need to see them.” Ilitor nods and pokes his head out the door and within a few minutes, Kravvie and Lup come in. To be honest I heard Lup before I saw her, her loud sounds and words of relief. Thank Istus, that means they couldn't hear my fit. 

Lup literally bounds at me and grabs me and squeezes me tight. “Fuck you so much Taako.” She whispers into my ear as she sobs softly. I awkwardly hug her back, her arms pressing against my IV a little bit harder than I would prefer. After maybe ten minutes she releases me, eyes flicking over to anger. “Do you understand how stupid that was? Koko you're  _ sick _ and you decided… what? To overdose on Ecstasy? To just lie down, give up and die?” I look down at my blanket, tears welling up and I desperately try to hide that fact. “Koko, you can't expect me to ease up just ‘cause you're in hospital. You  _ need help _ and this is the best way to get it.”

“I know Lup.” I whisper and she throws up her arms in annoyance after throwing a look to Kravvie who only stares coldly at her.

“Fine. But you,” she pokes her finger at Kravvie’s chest, “you better persuade him to stay here or I will find a way to kill you.” A tongue of flame licks up from her pointer finger for a second and then she storms off, not without planting a kiss on my cheek and grumbling a ‘love you’.

Kravvie, who stood leaned up against a wall finally looks me in the eye. His gaze instantly softens and is so warm and loving that I almost burst into tears again. He walks up to me and pulls up one of the shitty visitor chairs next to my bed. He takes my hand between two of his and presses it to his lips, sliding his eyes closed for half a minute. When he opens them again, a tear drips down his cheek. “I'm sorry.” He says softly and places my hand back onto the bed, caressing my cheek now. “If I didn't tell Lup… You wouldn’t have… This.” He sounds in such agony that I have to blink away tears and shake my head.

“It's not your fault Kravvie. Like trust me, without you telling Lup it just would’ve taken longer, been more awkward and had less fun and creative insults.” He gives a soft huff and looks into my eyes for a little while. “You did the right thing Kravvie. You're perfect for me.” I whisper while he looks at me like at someone special, with a gaze that I now dub reverential. 

“I love you so much.” He smiles sadly again and takes back my hand.

“I… I wanna stay here, to get my shit together and stuff, you know? I don't wanna die. Not like this.” He breathes a sigh of relief and smiles properly for the first time in forever, tears pooling in his eyes again.

“Please do. Please try.” I nod.

“I promise.” I say and stretch out my pinky. He takes it in his and we shake. “Kiss?” He smiles and presses his lips against mine, light as butterfly wings, as sunlight on a warm spring day. He stays with me through lunch and through dinner, just talking about anything and everything until Ilitor comes in and asks for him to leave at 7pm. Kravvie stays until 8.30 when Ilitor is literally pushing at him to leave.

Just as he's escorted out, I call out to him and he stops and turns around. “Say that thing you say?” He thinks for a second.

“Umm… oh!” He rolls his eyes with a smile. “I love you Taako.”

“Loveyoutoookaybye.” I hear him chuckle and Ilitor finally shoves him out the door. “That was good.” Ilitor scoffs and hitches my sleeve up. 

“He's a pain to get rid of.” He puts on the blood pressure monitor thing and I stop moving. 

“He’s  _ my _ pain to get rid of.” I smile to myself.


	19. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wowie you guys, this was a rollercoaster and a half eh? Well now the rollercoaster finishes with a lot of gay fluffy smut and fluff, kinda as an apology for the shit I put all y'all through  
> Much love,  
> Chemi~

Eight moons. It's been eight whole fucking moons already. Eight moons since Kravvie fucked me. Two moons were my fault, because of the anorexia and shit. Then that moon in hospital when I didn't know what the fuck was going on. Then two more hospital inpatient treatment moons. Then two moons at home but I wasn’t allowed to do vigorous exercise by my therapist. Then another moon that Dickhead Kravitz Schumacher decided to hold off on the exercise for ‘your mental health which is more important than my cock’. He said thirty days and it's now the thirty first one and Taako, the male fellow, the myth, the legend, better get laid or hands will be thrown. By me. At my boyfriend. Who needs to take that massive cock out of his arse and shove it into mine. Repeatedly. And hard. 

I stomp over to said boyfriend, calendar in one hand, bottle of lube in the other. I Mage Hand his book away and shove the calendar in his face and in a loud voice exclaim, “Look, it’s Kravitz Stops Being A Dickhead day!” Kravvie looks at me with a soft smirk and pulls me onto his lap. I drastically soften my voice. “So you should probably fuck me now.” I nudge his forehead with mine and he wraps his arms around my waist. It’s all a sappy affair to be honest, kinda gross.

“I don't know if that's a good idea right now.” He says carefully and I pull back, voice saying a solid ‘fuck you’ to being sappy and going back to being extra as fuck.

“I'm fine now! Eight moons it's been! I'm at a healthy weight now, seeing my therapist weekly and shit.”

“Yes but I don't wanna rush in. And you're at the absolute minimum of healthy.” He thumbs at my hips, clearly wanting to throw all reason to the wind and fuck me senseless. 

“Yes but I'm healthy.” I mimic him and take his face in my hands, still being loud because fuck you Kravitz. Or fuck me Kravitz. Or both. Fuck it. “Listen bubbalah, you promised a good dicking down on ‘Kravitz Stops Being a Dickhead’ day and today is that day, so let’s go because I haven't even jerked off in eight moons so um, cha’ boy’s got a need.”

He thinks for a second. “Promise to tell me if it gets too much?” I groan on his lap and stretch out my pinky.

“Yeah I fucking promise you killjoy. Now Fuck. Me.” He smirks and stands up, getting his first yelp from me as I wrap my arms around his neck and tighten my leg hold on his waist. He kisses me softly while he walks us to the bedroom, letting me hang on by myself while he trails kisses down my neck and my mouth. He places me onto the bed softly, and starts to shakily undo my buttons. 

“By all the gods you don’t know how badly I wanna just fuck you into a mess.” He crashes his lips into mine and slides a hand up my outer thigh and into my skirt, now trapped between my hip and the waistband of Kravvie’s favourite skirt. “It's fucking impossible to hold back while my little fox is here, all dressed up for me and wanting and moaning for my cock.” He nibbles on the tip of my ear and I scream-moan for him, every muscle in my body tensed, every nerve wracked with  _ want  _ and craving Kravvie to touch me more and more. At first, he strips us both of all clothing, hands shaky while he slides my skirt and panties down slowly, trailing kisses down my legs while he does so, whispering things like ‘beautiful fox’, ‘pretty boy’ and ‘my perfect baby’. I moan under each of his touches, shaking at every compliment. He comes back up to my lips and kisses softly, tongue deftly swiping at mine as I give myself to him wholly, all the while grabbing onto his back while he moves his hands up and down my torso. I manage to heat my icicle of a boyfriend up enough for him to up the pace and add in some sexy bites and nibbles into the kisses. I slide my hand down to wrap around his cock while still clawing at his back with the other. He pulls away with a gasp when he feels my warm, lubed up fingers and palm ( _ together, Taako, that’s a hand you dingus) _ . “Taako, not yet.” He whispers and I fix my lips in a firm pout. “You first, alright?” He breathes into my still open mouth and holy shit it's the hottest thing and I melt a little ( _ a lot _ ) when he nibbles all the way down my neck.

Kravvie insisted on giving me a blowjob, then on sucking my ear and toying with my torso, then on a handjob and then on another blowjob, allowing me to join in this time, and then finally, gloriously, conceding that fucking me is a pretty good idea. Which is how I ended up here, straddling Kravitz, his cock hot and thick inside me while I’m hunched but at the same time have my back arched and fingers clawing into the hair on his perfect, rock hard chest, chasing my fifth and hopefully last for tonight, orgasm. He whispers soft noises of praise to me and rubs circles into my hips with his thumbs while I bounce on him, exhaustion deep in every shred of my existence but holy fuck, I need this so bad. “Kravvie, you know how… how you said to tell you when it's too… too much?” I pant out and stop on top of him. He instantly sits up and takes me by the back.

“Do you wanna stop now? Come on I'll help-”

“No no no no no, oh gods fucking no, no.” I laugh breathlessly at his instant response. “No, can you help? By help I mean, I'm really tired, fuck me missionary?” He laughs softly, a deep rumble from his throat, shaking me to the bone _ (r. Boner. Every time you read this, it's a typo and supposed to be boner. Just saying.) _

“You know it.” He flips me onto my back, his cock still in me and gives a soft, obviously suppressed thrust but still has me mewling for him like a fucking mess.

“Ohmygodyes fuckingyesyesyes.” He snickers and thrusts in again, basically fucking assaulting my mouth at the same time while also pulling my legs over his shoulders. He sets a pace that I deem unsatisfactory at first but eventually just right as it speeds up. He grasps for my hand and laces our fingers together and pulls away and pants into my mouth, clearly absolutely wrecked with my dope ass ass.

“I love you so much.” He starts going even harder and instead of my normal for me, really loud for others moans and whimpers, I'm giving Kravvie full-blown screams and keens and he must feel that I'm close because the hand he used to hold himself up is now slicked and wrapped around my cock dragging me to a painful and hard and stuttering orgasm and if there ever was an appropriate time to pass out after fucking it would be now but I just watch Kravvie fall apart on top of me through a lovely fog of bliss and cotton wool. 

“I love you too.” I take him by the cheek and pull him into a kiss and that's what drives him over the edge and he finishes in me, holding in through all his aftershocks, pulling out and collapsing next to me. I instantly snuggle into his arms and he buries his face in my hair, the braid having been pulled undone after the ear thing. “I love you so much Kravvie.” I breathe out and he kisses my head.

“I love you too my pretty fox.” I fall asleep to the quiet rumbling of his snoring. 

 

One successful month of daily sex with Kravvie later, we're cooking my famous gnocchi with him stirring the sauce and me mashing up the baked potato. I'm still not 100% okay with the oil so we just removed it from the recipe so I’d at least eat something. He occasionally sends me wolfish grins to which I respond with filthy possessive looks, both of which have Maggie and Lup in gales of laughter while Barry just smiles awkwardly from his nerd manual, How to Be a Nerd by Kravitz the Dickhead/ Nerd. The author walks on over to me purposefully when he takes the sauce off the heat and grabs me by the hips, twists me around to face him and goes fucking ham with a kiss that seems wildly inappropriate to have in front of my sister, my ex and my sister’s partner who I've also fucked. My sister and my ex give appreciative wolf whistles while her partner just keeps being a nerd. Kravvie sends them a smirk before casting Silence around us and pulling me into another world-spinning kiss with my potato masher still in my hand. “I love you Taako. I love you to the stars and back, to the moon, to the-”

“To the point?” I cut in innocently and he smirks. 

“I  _ was _ gonna make it special, but fine.” He tucks a lock of my hair behind my ear, brushing it in a way that makes me give the tiniest of shudders. “Will you marry me?” He whispers in that same ear and I drop the potato masher. 

“For fuck’s sake Kravvie, couldn't you have picked a better time?” I give an awkward laugh. “I mean, I'm sweaty and not glammed and there's flour  _ everywhere… _ ”

“That's how I love you. Keep in mind though, I love you even without all the flour but it's definitely a bonus to have it, you know?” I kiss him softly and give a brief nod. “That's a yes?” I nod again. “Well then, we need to start planning the wedding. And I already have all the plans for what I'm gonna do to you tonight.” He rumbles that last thing in my ear and I nip at his neck. He dispels the Silence and goes back to stirring the sauce and adding shit to it and stuff. 

“What's the big secret Koko?” Lup shouts, apparently not for the first time. 

“Oh lol,” I send another absolutely filthy look to Kravvie, “Bones here got a dick piercing.” I take a sip of my wine, no longer caring that it has 86kcal per 100g and Zelmar’s number deleted from my stone forever.

“Omg show us!” Lup squeals and Kravvie gives me a broken sort of look that I just reply to with a shrug that clearly says ‘This is what you got yourself into m’dude, you need to own it’.

“I'm not going to just whip my cock out for Taako’s sister, ex, and Barry Bluejeans.” He sighs and shakes his head at Lup’s puppy dog eyes. “Maybe just for Barry over here.” Barry nods absently, not lifting his head from his book. 

When dinner is ready, we all sit down at the table with Kravvie seated on one side, Lup on the other, with Barry next to her and Maggie between Barry and Kravvie. Ah, the magic of round tables. I play footsies with Maggie under the table while Kravvie pulls me practically onto his lap and feeds me my fill and I feed him his. I manage to eat half. It's still hard. I know that if I was to eat that whole plateful, I’d feel absolutely horrible and disgusting and probably force it all back up again but if I only had half, then I'd be happy and full. And Kravvie finishes off the rest when I say that I can't have anymore. We settle down on the couch together when our friends leave. Kravvie holds me while I'm in that drowsy state of being full and a little bit tipsy and held by the man I love and will marry soon. He brushes my hair and gently braids it into an intricate style I've never seen before, all gentle slopes and grandeur. He kisses me softly, like I'm  _ everything _ and holds me against his chest, protecting me from all the stupid shit I've done to myself.

“I love you fox.” He says into my hair after an hour of silence and I shift deeper into his hold. 

“I love you too Bones."


End file.
